...all i want is you.

-- Thursday, March 09, 2006 --

hiatus.
i'm not really saying i'd start using this again. but i miss it, so maybe i will. sometimes.

i was reading old old entries last night. i was so randomly inconsistent with things. young loves and miscelaneous crushes... random angsty outbursts and bouts of insomnia... depression... insecurities... low self-esteem... writing about family problems but not really writing about them... boys... i remember how overwhelming everything was to me... and i remember how strong i felt then. i felt like i was so tough and nothing can hurt me unless i let things to hurt me. i hated getting hurt so much that i even lied about how things were affecting me. i lied about so many things... i posted 6-7 bentries a day... i changed so much, and then again i really didn't. but going down memory lane is pretty nice. sure i remember all the pain yet again, but i remember the things i used to do to escape reality. i was one messed up girl. and i didn't even know just how messed up i was. and in many ways i've died inside... and in many ways, my blogmates kept me alive. i miss talking to everyone on a day to day basis. if i missed a day, i used to feel so horrible... i miss them all. i miss the days when people i only knew online read my blog and i felt like my family almost didn't exist when i was with them. when i was prattling away online, i felt like i was somebody else. i had no fear. i wasn't really insecure, i was just pretending to be insecure. online, i was strong. and tough. and not afraid to be angry. how cute. it feels like such a whole 'nother lifetime ago...

there's been so many changes since then. for the most parts, i'm proud if the changes. progress is always good.
on the other hand; i feel so stagnant now. i dont exactly know why. i miss those days. and then i don't. is it bad? i miss it like i miss good memories, but memories are good that way. i mis sthem in a way that i don't necessarily wish to relive those days again. don't get me wrong. i loved teh good times. but looking back; there was so much more there that i'd really rather not have anymore. i held a lot of guilt then. i hid behind the fascade of teenage angst when really, it was so much more than that then. so much more that it's even dangerous for me to think about it now.

there were so many things then that i won't say. or admit to myself even. like how much i hurt from everything. like how much i hurt from what they used to say about me... how they used to talk about me as if i was wort nothing. like i had no feelings. on my worst days, i'd say i was hurt... but even on those days, i still feel like there was so much more i could've said and never did. so many things i would've admitted i felt but never did. i was scared of weakness. i was scared to accept that i was just really weak. i wished to be alone. just alone... i felt like teh darkness would be the only constant.i still think that way soemtimes. i feel like the world is better off without me. one less bitter pill.

dark times. reading back almost makes me feel lighthearted. my fantasy was so vivid and detailed then too. even when i never wrote about them, reading about the things that i did write at teh time reminds me of them. they were like lingering thoughts... so vague and ethereal almost, yet they were so real to me. so real i could've grasped them. small things always made me the happiest. sometimes i wonder why it was and still is so difficult for me to stay happy when it never takes much to make me smile...

i remember sweetness in my childhood here. i remember bitter times. i remember niceties. people who had said good things about me... missed me when i was away... extended their love and friendship. i remember being scared to get too close to people. i remember apathy. it's just so weird that i'd been looking at things from a different light just now. i never read back on entries then. reading back now is just surreal and almost amusing. like being a child again, but not really. like seeing another person much younger than yourself and being interested and amused by their misadventures. like reading little women. only you share her memories. and you know the pains she never shared. and knew the tears she cried in silence. you are her, looking back. knowing how much further she was drifting away then and how much she struggled to get by. you know the thoughts that crossed her mind as she wrote things... remember the things she wanted to write about but never did. remember how much she longed to be loved but wouldn't allow anybody to love her. and you remember how she had been stepped on and blamed and guilted and horribly bruised and yet she kept on going. that's why you're still here.

i miss her. i miss her spunk.
maybe it's just because i'd been so dead lately...

for about a third of a year now and running, i've had myself a wombat. i guess thsi would be yet another one of those things that would flood me with memories and feelings later on. a small line... a slight mention. but there's so much more in that. like when i'd say i miss you... and really in my head, i'm saying i want you here -now- cause i need a hug and i feel kinda bad and i really don't know why exactly but youre not here to hold me and i feel scared and lonely and i need you here but you just feel so far away and i don't want you to worry about me so i can't really tell you that i feel this way even though i really feel this way and i feel like sucha loser now for feeling this way but i dont really care cause it's not like i'd tell you though i might at some point later on.

i left my parents. it feels so liberating to think of! but the reality is i feel like unless i really go away, as far as i can, they'll always have a rope around my neck. so i guess that is an underlying stress as well... i don't like the way they tell me problems i don't want to know about... i dunno. i miss the days when i can just pretend i simply don't care.

i miss the days when i would post any old thing on here and not really care.

there's so much more i need to know... and there's so much more to see....

mused dettie at 1:57 PM [+]
...

i really miss this. i do i do i do.

mused dettie at 1:24 AM [+]
...