...all i want is you.

-- Sunday, June 29, 2003 --

...new look for long term hiatus. i'll miss you guys! no taggy for now, so use the guestbook instead. i also linked some of the things i tend to use on other bouts of ranting... i'll miss you.

mused dettie at 11:44 PM [+]
...

so, ok. i'm sort of getting used to the new blogger layout and things... although since i haven't been very blog oriented lately, it's still pretty new albeit i am finding my way around quite ok...

anyways, i really have to take care of so much right now. *deep sigh* i sure wish i get things organized to a certain extent so as i get room to breathe at least. ok. i'm beginning to get used to the fact that i dont own a computer. well--i do, but it's broken... so it doesnt really count, and i am slowly adjusting. gone are the days of MMORPG's, and image editting, and layouts [or efforts, i guess...] and near endless chat conversations. i guess this is when i start turning to celly's, and things... as much as i'd hate to be too cellphone oriented, i don't really have much choice... maybe i'd still manage to do 'bionic hand girl' entries once in a while, or shorter ones at times when i'm at gramma's [like now] i know i'd miss everyone. a lot. is this me saying goodbye?

sometimes i wonder why i keep posting things... there are days when i feel like its some sort of a therapeutic process for my subconscious self--but there are also days when i feel like im just hurting myself cause i keep track of all the grief. either way, it makes me feel better in the end of it all, like sighing a big relief for getting through eveything despite everything else. sue me. i have issues. is it my fault? to say the least; yes. cause i keep pushing everyone away and people i trust are the ones who are far. whatever then life. everyone knows what i think of you anyway. youre a full fledged bitch.

so what's been happening?

i have been posting on lj quite a lot lately... although the lj hasn't even gotten anywhere close to how personal this one has grown to be from when i started it. i guess i just didnt want people reading most of the real stuff i have to blab about since i see them at school everyday... that's one thing that's happened. from just kahli and kevin, to miranda and ashley, the circle of people sort of grew. i dont mind, so to speak... i mean, theyre all amazing people. but its weird, and sometimes i just chose to stay home so as not to see any of them. i feel too crowded. having a group of people as friends require you to mingle a lot, and when they see you walking by you have to atleast stop by and socialize. im doing ok, but it isnt doing much for me. i feel disoriented and confused most of the time... and i feel like im betraying everyone when im almost always only half there. im always spacing out anyway... so, sometimes i wonder why i even bother staying. *sigh*

over the months that have passed, i cant say for sure if i have grown more mature, or if i fell back--down to the depths of immaturity just to run away from it all again. given, i have managed to make my grades rise by atleast 10% over the last month... i'm pretty sure i have been running all the more lately. yea.. running all over again.

it hurts me sometimes. how i dont understand myself and i dont know what to do... it racks my brain... and tears me apart. i dont know why lately i have been crying more than ever through the past 5 months. have i started slipping away again? i dont want to depend on anyone. i know i can take care of this eventually... but i dont know what to do... someone tell me what to do!!! someone... hah. irony of ironies. i want to be independent from everyone else, but i want someone to tell me what to do... i'd be relying on that someone... and that isnt so independent, now is it...? no, not very independent at all. i wonder why im in such dire need of having someone to run to? but then instead of running toward anyone in particular, i run away... i am just so great.

as for certain 'other things' i still haven't figured things out. stagnant as it is, it definitely isnt going anywhere. i cant complain. i have grown quite attached to a certain degree though, and i cant seem to let go when i'm not really holding on. what would happen if it so occured that i held on? it would kill me bit by bit. now that im not clinging the feeling's already hurting me enough as it is... maybe among everything else im hurting for things im not supposed to. what more if i held on? even a little? i'll be worse than hell. is that why i have been so distant? he said '...are you really like that? or are you making everything be that way?' it doesnt matter how he said it, but that's what i got from it... and i couldn't tell which is which. *sigh* i am being distant cause i am keeping my distance... i guess that's that. i guess its both then. so it all comes down to the fact that its all my fault. again, its all my fault.

i have been crying a lot these past days, weeks, months... over nothing. i just feel like i'd burst open if i didnt, and that's the last thing i want to do... who knows what i'd say? or do? lots of people would be hurt, and that would mean i'd just hurt me all the more. i know i cause people pain on a general basis, but not intentionally... still... *sigh* i should stop... but its not like its as easy said as doing it for real... *sigh* if i just explode, wjo knows what it'll do to me? this year hasnt been very nice to me... time hasnt been a friend either. so what'll happen if i just let it all go? i'll fall apart. the fickle thing keeping me together is the fact that i worry of everyone else. how my actions would affect them if i let go. but then there's also the question of what it'll do to me... i'll probably fall apart and suffer a complete and total nervous break down.

we're moving again, sometime during the summer, or sometime before christmas. whatever... but the dogs' death sentence got its ultimatum at that. i wouldnt mind leaving... but my dogs... i could only cry. i couldnt do anything for them. not anymore. since im such a useless child to begin with... *pulls out hair* but i wouldnt know what id do without them... and i dont know... i dont know what id do. i've been too clingy. im losing everyone. im growing further and further away from everyone. so is this me saying goodbye?

i should change the look for the long term hiatus i guess... that'd be something else other than moping. the cell's dead. and i wanted to text people... *sigh* im tired... and i want to sleep... im starting to hate my taggy... i miss lots of people... i hate lots of people at that. hah. whatever....

mused dettie at 1:55 PM [+]
...

*shudder* i do think that the new layout looks nice... *salutes blogger* feh. but i am so gettin' confuzzled. o.o doesnt matter anyway...

still hiatus-ized. but just to say things are very screwy. and i want to die... so there.

mused dettie at 6:26 PM [+]
...

skor and mc already broke up... i was told on wednesday. apparently skor was scared of having to deal with the 'i am gonna beat you up' thing like lawrie and eric had... so mc's been so depressive lately... and im still on hiatus... and since my spiralx hosting thingie is screwing up 'cause somethin' messed up with my account or sumfin... im back to blogger. temporarily. i miss you all.

mused dettie at 2:05 AM [+]
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