...all i want is you.

-- Friday, January 31, 2003 --

hmmn; i have social; with mrs. macdonald, science; with mrs. jagorinec, [dont ask me how to say it cause i dont know either] math; with mrs smith [again. Üv] arts; with mrs schiele [cause i didnt finish all of the work] and religious studies with mrs lomas. anyways; i dropped legal studies. so i have a free period every other day; for period 2. w00t~ its all good. i dont really know why... but its all good. he said im nice. nice nice. i dunno why. but you know... eek. i think i should be heading back... 5 minutes till TA block. bah.

mused dettie at 10:41 AM [+]
...

where do we go

[intro]
where do we go from here?
were just stuck here in the middle of nowhere...
where do we go from here?
when it seems were not getting anywhere?

[instrumentals and stuff]

[verse]
the silence that we keep is just deaf'ning...
conversations dont begin. there's just no ending
to everything that we started; everything has no meaning..
is there a point in holding on and believing?

[pre-chorus]
i wanna know where does this go?
[break/change pace]
i wanna know where were heading?

[chorus]
where do we go
where do we go from here?
not so high; but not too low
where do we go
where do we go from here?
dont look at me cause i dont know
where do we go
where do we go?
let me know
let me know...
where do we go; where do we go; where do we go
from here

[verse]
i wonder if there's something that id miss
if i just let this pass me by and be dismissed
as something plain imaginary? though i know its quite contrary...
is there a point in letting go and denying?

[pre-chorus2]
i wanna know where does this go?
[break/change pace]
will we get there if we both stop all this lying?

[chorus]
where do we go
where do we go from here?
not so high; but not too low
where do we go
where do we go from here?
dont look at me cause i dont know
where do we go
where do we go?
let me know
let me know...
where do we go; where do we go; where do we go
from here

[bridge]
i wonder how will it be
i wonder how will we end
i wonder
i wonder where do we go?
i wonder
i wonder where do we go?

[chorus]
where do we go
where do we go from here?
not so high; but not too low
where do we go
where do we go from here?
dont look at me cause i dont know
where do we go
where do we go?
let me know
let me know...
where do we go; where do we go; where do we go
from here
[fade]

***
spare me. please. and dont ask; cause i dont know where this came from either. somewhere in my demented head maybe. id work on the chords and the like tomorrow after school if ash lets go of me. Üv peace!

mused dettie at 11:03 PM [+]
...

school tomorrow... ergh. i didnt get my schedule yet. all i know is; i supposedly have a spare every 2nd period. i dont even know whose classes im supposed to be on!!! bah. i missed the stairs. u.u
i found my old 'notepad' journal thing... from super olden times. maybe i'd add it to the diary... muhahaha~ funny...

i was so tired yesterday. argh. im still tired today! well... yesterday; i went to bed at 2 am; and didnt fall asleep till 3 beeps... which means... i was up till after 5 am. and my mom had to wake me up at 6-ish... cause i need to go to tita mina's. all through the break... i only got to sleep in once. bah. super retarded. jaskeng buhay to oo. blah. its all good though... eep! last night i went to bed at round 8-ish... super early... kasi nga im so tired. - - eh kaso di parin ako nkatulog till 10 ish... tapos nagising pa ko ng mga 11:30.... tapos tawag ng tawag yung kapatid ko kasi wala pa daw sina mommy... eh di pa nmn yun sanay mapuyat... nagiiyakan kasi sina clifford at byan sa background. blah~~ nakakaasar. tapos di na uli ako mkatulog. meh. i wanted to yell at the folks so bad! hah~ im not gonna bother~ i feel good~ tenenenenen you kow that; im good~ okei. mali na kung mali... dont really care~ bah!

kahli got the yearbook from last year daw. nothing to be overly excited about IMO; pero super enchanted sha. ah nako. people here tend to be uber shallow... too lazy to open dx. mmaya na lang... inaantok pa ko. ang sagwa~ ergh. kahapon pa ko nahihilo ah.... **weirded**

mused dettie at 9:10 AM [+]
...

bah... nothing relevant to say again. just that i miss kuya. - -
uy! belated happy birthday na nga lang sayo. @ paul.

im seventeen. and besides the hopeful feeling somewhere in me; i feel pretty much the same. everyone says 'seventeen' is the best year. if ever. well... here's to hoping i get my best year yet. **grin**

sucks to too happy. i dont want to be too happy. bahahha~

mused dettie at 7:01 PM [+]
...

bah... im 17.

mused dettie at 12:40 AM [+]
...

THANKY YOU!!!!
thank you nyawie; lancey; mark; aaron; kev; charmy; trish; charisse; patty; ernest; katkat; tonet; ec; pj; ate gem; ate lek; ate anne; ate angel; mikee; gen; tenten; bee; kuya nish; achi les; leelee; beebee; egg; keena; mel; ces; joseph; paul; jo; jopay; hanna; hana; toxx; the 'saykos;' the 'ml's;' the 'bangags;' the 'pranings;' kay; shea; mariva; carlo; mk; joseph*; shielo; raymar; people who hurt me. thank you. i didnt even think id get to be 17. i guess... ah. thank the world. i guess.


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

mused dettie at 1:39 PM [+]
...

sometimes; i cant believe how happy i can be. i was just talking to ate gem a while ago. and for the first time in ages i opened up to her. haha. really. we used to be the all time bitches when we were together. well not really. but there was a time that we had this major fight about a tv show. and we seriously pounded each other. i still laugh over that.

i told her how i was feeling... things ive been dealing with... it wasnt a very long conversation but i felt better. 'labyoo 'te gem!!!

i feel like making another diary entry. but i dunno. its just so sad. everyone's pressuring me lately. pressuring me to get over things. pressuring me to pretend everything's ok now that things were said; and done. if only things were that easy. if only-- gah.

hey you! you know who you are! if you're reading this im sorry i forgot that my birthday's tomorrow! i remembered last night. i just forgot... i dunno what came ovre me. but; thank you! and no. i dont love raymar that way... nor kevin. nor elmo. hell no. not elmo. and i didnt make elmo cry. kevin did. cause kevin told him im never gonna go out with him. ok? and raymar was my bestest friend. but we havent had a talk in ages. miranda isnt me. all's clear? i grin at you. **grin**

bee IM'ed. thanky you bee. he's planning to go 'home' come june. i was egging him to fly home round july. cause mom's kinda planning on shipping me off round that time. hehe. well; he's taking aj with him.

i feel ok. really. a bit tired. for the past days of my holiday; i was made to get up early cause i had to watch kiddies. and when i didnt do things right, i get a minor dosage of yakking. well; today... mom told me to err boil beef. so ok. i checked the fridge for beef. i found ground beef. what? why does she want me to boil it right? i thought so too. but i didnt find any other beef there... so i boiled it. no matter how uncomfortable i was feeling. maybe its some secret recipe. guess what? they got home and got pissed cause i boiled the ground beef. and there was another beef in the fridge. it was shrouded in superstore bags... god! way to make me feel so stupid mom. thank you. was it my fault i didnt see it? gd and angel were being little bitches. they kept running around and jumping everywhere. ok? clifford wasnt a picnic either. good thing you guys took bri with you. but yea. way to bitch at me. thank you. i appreciate it. you should atleast say it isnt ground beef. but all you said was beef. plus next time, dont hide it so good and bicker at me when i couldnt find it. ok? this is just dandy.

oops. ok. im stopping.

***
EDIT::i think my mom just realized she ticked off at me for teh wrong reason. she got soem ice cream, and i didnt even ask her! she's bribing my sanity?

mused dettie at 8:44 PM [+]
...

wee! i was just super hyper a while ago! well; kevin, told elmo that'd id seriously never go out with him. i have no idea how he said it ok? we were on msn, and we were talking about this and that. then he sort of mentioned elmo; cause he was there at his house. well; he proposed to tell elmo about me rejecting him. yea. teh word. god. so i told him he was mean. and he said yea i know i am. and then he went 'brb' ack! when he got back he was all, he looks like he's gonna cry. omg; bernadette. i feel so bad now. all the gayness has these emotions you know.' it was so mean yet frickin funny at that. but oh well. here's to hoping he'd be off my case from now on elmo that is. eek! uhm... ash; if ur reading this i cant come over.

mused dettie at 1:22 AM [+]
...

destiny.
i've always believed in fate... and destiny. i've always believed in 'everything happens for a reason; as the earth evolves every season.' but then; looking back on things that happened over the past years... i couldn't tell if i was destined to end up here. 90 000 miles away from civilization. atleast the civilization i'd feel i belong to. maybe i was meant to leave a place i call home; and get jammed in a mesh of a die hard family. their way or no way. i never knew i'd be miserably messed up then. i was angry at everything that went against me; but i always fought my way through those things. and i never had real friends. and when i acctually got my friends, i got ripped straight away from them. and i wasnt even allowed to say my last goodbyes. good thing they acctually planned a 'despedida party' for me. none of us knew what exact date i'd be leaving so just to be on the safe side, we did it right when the idea struck them it was... one hell of an evening. if i knew id be leaving one week after that; maybe i handled things better. maybe i didnt drink as much. or maybe, i forgot that i was angry cause id be leaving them; and made the moments we spent together for the last time a memory worth keeping. instead; i got so wasted and i did many a stupid things that we only laughed and talked about over the phone.

i promised never to lose contact. but i did.
my first phone call back home was painfully happy. friends and cousins laughing... then crying. talking about the things they've done. stupid things.
'nagpunta kami ng ice cream bar; i got 2 cones of cookies n cream... tapos naalala ko, wala ka na pala...'
things that made me laugh; and cry at the same time.

the painful part was... things changed and i wasnt there to help it... or to stop it... and i never understood why they went their separate ways... just waving an occasional hi to each other... the tropa was 'gone.' and i spent a good few weeks thinking of what might've happened... how it happened... but i never understood why.

when raymar got shipped off to mindoro; para daw mahiwalay sa bad influence, shielo didnt know. mariva didnt either... mk carlo... nor joseph. tita shirley told me when i called his house. i was surprised that no one told me. i asked tita shirley for details... and she said joseph's wasted bad. raymar skipped school na daw 3 days after they realized im never coming back. none of the other guys knew. i didnt know that it all happened that fast. mariva changed boyfriends faster than ever. there's a new one every week. and shielo talked about it like; mariva is just one of those 'pakawala girls' and she had no tone of worry, what so ever. mk drifted. and i never heard of anything abnout him. he changed phone numbers daw eh. i couldnt ask anyone for his number kasi none of them knew either. they barely talked. joseph's too far off to be reached. he sold his celfone to buy more crap... when the next school year started... no raymar at school. no joseph. shielo went on. mk moved to a defferent school. mariva got shipped off to cagayan... carlo had some girl pregnant, in-abort daw yung baby. i never heard from any of them again. i tried calling... carlo moved. changed phone numbers... shielo's phone line was cut off. mariva was shipped off to cagayan. her celfone was with ate ex; her big sis. tita shirley changed fone numbers... joseph was off the league. he was in his own planet. mk was off on his own too. his celfone was always dead whenever i called. and they changed their home fone number. i was alone. no more friends. in some country i dont even like.

while all this commotion was going on; i was spending more time online more than ever. if i didnt get hooked to the inet; i probably wouldve never met people i so care about now. never wouldve met him... or her... or you, and you... and all my ate's...

too many things changed. and i never had these things planned. i never planned to lose it and i didnt mean to get fed up with all the crap. but then... i still believe that things are always meant to happen. they happen for a reason. i lost old friends to fine new ones... lost control to realize i cant always live alone. found the fien line between fantasy and reality; and accepted reality. cried alot. cried a whole lot... maybe i was meant to feel so miserable so i could appreciate beauty when i see it. and i did. and its one of those few things i treasure and hold on to.

i might no say it... but you know deep inside; i do.

mused dettie at 4:45 PM [+]
...

things can never be perfectly perfect.
for one; there are things i'd almost consider perfect... but theyre not. i mean, realistically speaking, theyre not. as in; like what the saying says... no one/nothing is perfect.

stephen speaks... they are the most self spoekn band i ever heard of. but theyre too God related. i mean, there's nothing wrong with that. but, that's the only thing keeping them from being the so called 'cool' for today's people. and incase the matter of my faith is the issue... i listen to their song and i can relate. very much. but im not all to close with God. so speaking. im not saying i dont have faith. i just dont think he's been around lately.
and there's my family... they're not too mean to me. so speaking. ok? acctually im supposed to be super thankful for having them. my parents arent divorced. im not dumb. my sister's the talented one. i love my gramma. in general theyre a good family. but then... there's the fine little lines that hurt so bad. and there those cases when they just dont give a fuck for my feelings. oh well.
there's my friends... its not that theyre not good enough. but i could never really really consider them friends. 'friends' is just one of those words i use on a regular basis but i dont necessarily mean. there's barely a bunch of people i truly consider as friends, and mean it. no offense to them. i kinda like my solitude. plus, i hate it when they act like i have an obligation to speak.
then the most perfect thing to ever happen. there's him.
its all good at that. but as perfect as it seems, its not. its one of those things that make distance a painful issue. i could just as gladly think that its as real as anything else... but then there'd be doubts. sometimes the doubts over power the sense of judgement; which, if i should say so, always prevail. sometimes there's also fear that its all a game. or an emotional mirage, or hallucination. like some sort of a fantasy on my part. but its all good. i guess. it could be one of the best things that keep me intact by far. and im just glad i have it now. now when i need it badly.

mused dettie at 9:23 PM [+]
...

full out entry::
music: passenger seat - stephen speaks
wanting: ice cream, stephen speaks cd, and him.
talking: mc's gf; katie.
doing: err... messed up the folio; so im trying to fix it.

nothing miserably retarded today. ok?
hit me in the head when i drive through the bad roads.
i didnt have to go to school today. i so wanted to sleep in. but then again im happy enough cause i slept for about 5 and a half hours! **gloats** i know, i know... its amazing. the 'daily dose of pain killer' i got yesterday maybe did the thing. and i fell asleep. i had this weird dream though. i was at a wedding. and when i got there, the bride and groom were getting on the car... i was late, so i drove in right at that moment... on a go kart. then this guest girl... just grabbed the bride and kissed her. like; kissed kissed. it was frickin' funny. i was laughing so badly. the groom was all weirded. turns out the groom was my bestfriend raymar... lol. and the bride was melody. the girl i hated so badly. i was laughing so loud that raymar heard me laughing and walked toward me. i didnt even get off the go kart yet. anyways im too busy laughing so i didnt notice him walking toward me... he was ALREADY infront of me when i stopped laughing cause i saw him. so i was all 'uy raymar! sorry na late ako ah... kase ayaw magstart neto eh--' and i kept talking while i tried to get off of the kart. he laughed at me. he said i looked so silly, so he helped me off it. tapos... i was standing infront of him na... i was wearing a black hoodie on top of my 'bride's maid' outfit. i looked so stupid btw. well; he laughed at me again and said 'who knew id end up marrying her?' and i mumbled 'peste pinikot ka lang nyan!' there was dead silence for like; 5 seconds flat kind of... then we burst out laughin.. kasi yun pala yung nangyari.

then i woke up. it was 2:15 am. the alarm clock was annoying me so i unplugged it. and went back to sleep. then i dreamt again.

reception na nung wedding... tapos dumating si mk at mariva. mag asawa na pala sila. they were staring at me weird at first. then mk started crying and hugged me and said he missed me over and over again. then mariva started freaking out 'hoy walangya ka! ikaw lang nakakapagpaiyak sa mga ogag na to! walang ya katalaga! bat mo kami iniwan!!!?' tapos sinampal nya ko. sabi nya 'walangya ka bat mo kami iniwan nagkawatakwatak tuloy kami!' then she said 'NAMISS KITA!!!' so we hugged and we were crying. tapos nagkkwentuhan na kami... melody knows naman na galit si raymar sa kanya kaya she left us alone... pero masaya na yung gaga kasi mag asawa sila. ang tanga nya talaga super. so yun. kami kami lang muna. kaming apat. tapos may nang gugulo sa gate nung garden. [kasi sa garden yung reception] tapos si carlo saka si joseph pala. tawanan kami nina raymar eh. tapos ako nmn bumagsak na sa kakatawa.. kasi di parin sila nagbabago. eh si joseph... nde bangag... pero gumawa ng eksena kasi nagmamadali dahil may daladalang cake... eh nangangawit na daw... pati sa panaginip mashadong maarte yun. si carlo naman bangag. mukang tanga. mukang tuliro pa. tapos nakita nila ko tumatawa sa may flower box... sinugod ako tapos ni bear hug nila ko. grabe miss na miss na daw nila ako. tapos sabi ko naman daw grabe miss ko na din kayo! tapos nagkkwentuhan na uli kami... pinagkakaisahan nila ko... lalo na daw nung bago ako umalis... lol tapos ilang beses nilang inulit ulit yung mga pinaggagawa ko nung nalasing ako. tapos sabi nila lalasingin daw nila uli ako. tapos dumating si shielo nung mga bandang 8pm na. tapos dramahan kaming tatlo. si shielo ako saka si mariva. turns out business woman pala si shielo at super busy sha. super yaman na din. heehee. ininterview ko nmn sha yung mga tungkol sa lovelife nya. tapos sabi nya, di na daw sha mag aasawa... tapos ako na naman ang pinagkaisahan nila. sabi nila papasalvage nila si melody tapos magpapakasal na lang kami ni raymar. tumawa ako ng pagkalakas lakas tapos nag blush nmn na parang bata si raymar. tapos pinagtawanan naman namin sha. tapos inasar asar nila ako na bat daw kasi nde na din ako magasawa... najan pa daw si joseph saka si carlo wala pang asawa... tapos sabi ni carlo... dette oi mahal naman kita eh. kasal na din tayo bukas. tapos nagtawanan uli kami. tapos sabi nila oi lasing ka na ba? eh di naman ako lasing kasi di nmn ako umiinom eh. tapos hiniram ko yung cel ni mariva... [yung cel nya eh yung cel nya pa dati] tapos i called someone. nde ko kilala yung tinawagan ko, mind you. basta. i was talking to him... and he said he'd pick me up na lang daw around 11. . 9:30 na yung oras. 30 minutes after, this stranger came daw sabi nung guard. [grabe hanggang panaginip ba naman mayaman parin si melody] tapos sabi nya sakin 'uh, badette, may kakilala ka daw sa gate. sasabihin ko na lang sa guard na papasukin na ok?' ang bait nya. tumango na lang ako. tapos nagtawanan sina shielo saka si mk. ok tumawa kaming lahat except si raymar saka si joseph. they were mocking her 'sasabihin ko na lang sa guard na papasukin na ok?' tapos tumawa na din sina joseph. inisnab na namin lahat ng tao. by that time naman wala na halos tao eh... kami kami na lang. ang ingay namin, grabe. parang teen agers. eh dun sa dream... mga 20++ na kami. reminiscing. tapos someone walked toward us. nanahimik si mariva saka si shielo. nagtaka ako. 'o natahimik kayo?' tapos i felt someone give me a comfy hug tapos he rested his chin on my shoulder. kilala ko daw sha... pero di ko naman kilala. i mean ako sa dream kilala ko. ah ewan. basta ganun. tapos sabi nya..'can i be part of your future, and of this past you keep running to?' tatanungin ko sana kung ano yung ibig sabihin nya eh... kaso nagising nako kasi sabi ni dad nasa hospital daw si lola. kaya yun. ang aga ko ding nagising. pero that dream made me feel somewhat good. so everything kind of went nifty. kahit na i had to spend the day doing chores mostly.

mused dettie at 6:18 PM [+]
...

wee! geocities is being shitty! yay! ¬¬

S-T-E-P-H-E-N - S-P-E-A-K-S!!!!
la lang... just had to do that... gah. ...passenger seat. **glomps people** stupid geocities. ><

mused dettie at 6:09 PM [+]
...

'...We stop to get something to drink,
My mind clouds and I can't think.
Scared to death to say I love her.
And then the moon peeks from the clouds,
I hear my heart, it beats so loud.
Try to tell her simply...

That I've got all that I need
Right here in the passenger seat.

mused dettie at 6:09 PM [+]
...

'american idol.' i'm laughin' my ass off here. its hilarity at its peak. man. am i that desperate for a laugh? bah. no one to talk to. ec's not on, charmy trish and charisse just logged off on me. they had to. he's not on. irc's gay. and im tipsy. how nice.

i had my finals today. and yes. i managed to borrow a TI from someone. laura was so nice. she loves that calculator so much! and she lent it to me. thanky you laura! i screwed up on a major question worth 9 points i think. i couldnt remember the fucking 'corelation coefficient' thing. i forgot to do the next step for this cosine law problem thing. ah stupid mistakes. hahaha. and to think i went over the test atleast twice before i went out. such a retarded dork i am. yes cuzin trish. i am the dork!!!! THE dork! wee! anyways; stephen speaks. rocks my boxers! **grinny grin grin** **cough-i-uploaded-soliloquized.tk-my-folio!-cough** its still empty. i used mitchie's layout. and its so sad. i uploaded it a few days ago... but i didnt fix the works yet. not till today that is. but yea. its a slow process... then i'd be putting in some of my stuff. i'd get my guestbook for it tomorrow. first hit will be loved by me forever! so if you've read this everyone; guestbook at soliloquized.tk will be up tomorrow. sign it. sign it kudasai~~~~ wee! arigatou!

i miss you! i miss you! i miss you! i miss you!!! where are you? ah! im ok. uhm... yeah.

mused dettie at 10:07 PM [+]
...

tutubingpreso third issue's up! i guess that'd be my plug for now...
i gotta leave in a few minutes. my bus gets there at 'bout 10:19. passenger seat by stephen speaks is a good song. and yes... stephen speaks, the ballad band is my newest obssession. super mushy! i miss you, and you... and you too!! and you... and that girl... and him... i miss him... and you too!!! oh and her... and him... and you... and you... you too!!! heeey you guys!!! i miss you all!!!!!! **sigh**

mused dettie at 9:56 AM [+]
...

out of my league --stephen speaks [my new obsssession]
(t. mccloud, arr. by b. shelton)

it's his hair and his eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as he thoughtfully thumbs through his hair
and he purses his lips, bats his eyes as he plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
cause i love him with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause he's all that i see and he's all that i need
and im out of my league once again

it's a masterful melody when he calls out my name to me
as the world spins around him he laughs, rolls his eyes
and i feel like i'm falling but it's no surprise
cause i love him with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes he's all that i see and he's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again

it's his hair and his eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as he thoughtfully thumbs through his hair
and he purses his lips, bats his eyes as he plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
cause i love him with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes he's all that i see and he's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again

**pronouns are changed to masculine form. bear with me kudasai? domo!

mused dettie at 10:54 PM [+]
...

...i cant seem to get this attached to an email. oh well... here's to hoping you find your way here... somehow. i'd get rid of it in a few days... first time ever... you guys... laugh all you want.

mused dettie at 5:52 PM [+]
...

missing people badly. **sigh** i hate sighing. it portrays exasperation. but then again. i am frustrated as hell. what the hell is up with trillian? **haaaay** hey you; i miss you bad. i guess its all good. i dont want you getting infected by me. ive been pretty uh bad these past days. and i dont want things to happen and stuff. so i guess its all for the best. i didnt think id miss you guys this much though.

mused dettie at 11:12 PM [+]
...

episode 238 of 8-bit. Ü funny!!!!!
go see ok?

ok. im so messed up. mom said she's seriously taking me to a shrink. life is so funny.

mused dettie at 3:49 AM [+]
...

...something's wrong with msn; and aim. why the hell cant i log on? my head is seriously killing me bad. im off. i cant log on what the hell is up with that? i need to get rid of this head ache... gaaah. i was just talking to ate gem a few ago. missed her badly!

mused dettie at 9:20 PM [+]
...

uhm; i had fine arts on thurday. it was ok. we have to laugh and the shits. cause the theme is 'happy.' yea. i went along with it. i was even hyperactive during rehearsals.got home pretty much later than ussual... bah. sorry i missed you ernest. i know i promised. u.u

what's up with hometown?

halfday today. had this frickin' math trig retest. i didnt really fail the one we did yesterday, but i know i couldve done better if mrs smith wrote the formula on the board. [so yea being the whiner that i am; did my thing... she wrote the formula on the board today. Ü] gym was retarded. i'm supposed to be in weights every friday; but no teacher could supervise us so mr marchuck said we'd just play ball. hahaha. i cant play ball. so anyways he didnt see me and he didnt know im supposed to be in teh weight room. then i jumped down the stairs to go back to the main gym... mr marchuck saw me and said; 'oh bernadette you're doing weights today too?' and i was all hyperactive and shits and i was jumping up and down... then i said 'yupp!!!' and he said ok were going upstairs. so i ran back up and miranda was laughing at me. this joey guy who's in the jr. football team was all shitty as always. ok well yea he just said 'bernadette you just gave mr marchuck a guilt trip there. kick ass.' then i said 'hell yea. damn straight too!' and miranda just burst out laughing...so i was doing cardio all period.

i was home extra early today... but i spent half the time in my room. moping... people thought i was sleeping though... and no i wasnt crying. just moping. uhm; i just came down when i realized he'd be off early and stuff but i was too laaaate!

so; charmy! how's it? heard from charisse a while ago but she had to log off before i got to interview her!!! you gotta tell!!!!

mused dettie at 2:25 AM [+]
...

the raven. how awesome. long ass poem. i need connotations... fucking school!

mused dettie at 11:06 AM [+]
...

why wont crap leave me the hell alone? i seriously want out... out. i want out of everything. everything is hurting me.

mom has the missing green book of despair. she shouldnt have told me she has it. not unless she intends to hurt me so bad.

mused dettie at 8:53 PM [+]
...

mahahahhaa~ long ass survey!!! stole it from trish's blog... trish is one of my newest cuzins. **grin** 0

YOUR BODY:
1. What do you most like about your body?: ...question never crossed my mind before; but i'm not too fond of any part of my body.  so there.
2. And least?: me, in whole...  o.o
3. How many fillings do you have?: no clue...
4. Do you think you're good looking?: no... 
5. Do other people often tell you that you're good looking?: no.  that's the most stupid thing i ever read.
6. Do you look like any celebrities?: nope

YOUR FRIENDS:
1. Do your friends 'know' you?: my real real 'friends' know me pretty good.  but people who just say 'friends' but arent really my friends barely know me.  they assume things though..
2. What do they tend to be like?: insane.  deranged; and misinformed.
3. Are there traits in you that are universally liked?: ...i honestly have no idea.  they keep saying im more than what i generally show people...  but im not too sure if that means im liked.
4. How many people do you tell everything to?: barely any.  charmy, [yea EVERYTHING; i doubt she'd acctually reveal those things to you tho even if you'd ask.  she'd explain but wont say anything] ate lek, ate anne, charisse, gen, mikee, trish, [we just met a few months ago... and she's younger than me] and my insan.
5. Who would you go to for advice? charmy, ate anne, ate lek, ate angel, patty, [id say trish and charisse; but honestly i feel bad cause im older and im supposed to know better] my cuzins.
6. Who do you look up to? no one in particular really...  no wonder i have no direction..
7. Who do you think are your real friends? charmy, raymar, mariva, shielo, trish, charisse, ate lek, ate anne, mikee, gen, LAGROSA's.

GENERAL QUESTIONS:
1. who is the smartest man alive at the moment?: the woman who invented the word telebabadera.  ><.
2. What do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day?: rainy...  i have a thing for gloomy weather.
3. Do you consider yourself lucky?: not in general.  im lucky cause i have friends who are really real friends...and i have him too!  im not lucky cause i have to deal with shit a whole lot of the time.
4. Do you feel pity for people who commit suicide?: no.  i'd sympathize
5. Choose one word to describe how you feel most often: ...mending?

RANDOM:
21. Have you ever used duct tape as a sewing substitute?: yea.  sad but true.
22. Do you own one or more objects with studs or spikes in them?: uh, i dont think i own any...
23. Do you own one or more articles of clothing from dogpile, lip service, or tiger of london?: ...wha-ha?
24. Do you enjoy leopard print?: ...no?
25. Are you disgruntled?: generally speaking; yes...
26. Are you an anarchist?: ...burn the president.  answers the question right?
27. Does the American flag anger you?: i dont really care.
28. Are you "working class"?: uh... yea?
29. Do you dislike "preps"?: yes!  definitely!  i loathe them!
30. Do you dislike Hot Topic?: pretty much.  not that much though.
31. Do you smoke cigarettes?: uh; no.
32. Do you smoke cloves?: uh; no.
33. Are you a thin waif?: im thin; and you can pretty much call me a waif...  but not literally.
34. Are you vegan/vegetarian?: eh nope.
35. Do you think meat is murder?: bleh.  ¬¬
36. Do you believe in god? i believe there's a GOD; but im not religious…
37. Do you pay attention in church?: when i do go, i atleast listen to the homily...
38. Have you ever gone a week without a shower?: yea...  i was sick...  i only had sponge baths...  u.u
39. Have you ever been avoided due to your odor? bleh.  no...

MORE JUNK:
1. Name: bernadette joy acosta
2. Do you like it?: err... i was supposed to be like st. bernadette and bring joy to everyone i meet.  total opposite.
3. Nick-names: badette, dette, dettie, dot, deedee, dettezkie, detz, ayz, az, dettiekinz, azkinz, az-pooh bear, 'suplada' yawner... some preps call me 'pyro biatch'
4. Screen names: az; sherazard; sarrah_briant; pnaichicksuplada; bluedeathstriker; deathstrike; dettezkie; dettie-chan; dettie-kun; and other petnames he throws my way..
5. School: bishop o'byrne high...?
6. Birthday: jan 28th 1986
7. Sign: aquarius; year of the tiger
8. Location: calgary AB.
9. Age: turning 17?
10. Status: single?
11. Crush: as in squishy!  lol  jk.  no.  no crush what-so-ever...  but you can call him that if you want...
12. Penis? vagina?: **glomps the person who made the survey**.
13. Natural hair color: black
14. Current hair color: black...  with occasional grays.
15. Eye color: blackish brown???  bleh
16. Height: i think i shrank... last year i was 5'3 1/2"  now im 5'2 3/4"  ¬¬
17. Weight: 87 lbs
18. Birthplace: manila; philippines
19. Shoe size: 7

FAMILY:
1. Parents: leave them out of this...
2. Siblings: belinda [aka nicole aka colei] brianne [aka bri aka bayeyeng]
3. Live with: 'rents and sisters... plus foster kiddies.
4. Favorite relative: my cuzins!

FAVORITES:
1. Number: 7, 13, 7?
2. Color: black... blue... blue... black... gray... silver?
3. Day: friday... and saturday...
4. Month: may...  and october... 
5. Song at the moment: …sometimes when we touch? 
6. Movie: city of angels...
7. Food: pasta, pizza, cookies; ice cream.
8. Band: ...way too many.  too lazy to type.
9. Sport: ...i dont do sports.
10. Class: free period!
11. Teacher: ms. taggart.
12. Drink: anything uncaffeninated?  i just quit coffee.
13. Veggie: ...im not that big on veggies.
14. TV station: mtv; cartoon network.  but we dont have cartoon network anymore... or mtv.  u.u
15. Radio station: CJ92 rock
16. Store: im not that fond of shopping.
17. Expression: bleh; blah; gah; stuff you; err; argh; meh; muhahaha; 'lol'  boo~ mushy!
18. Animal: dogs, wolves; tigers; dolphins; cats.
19. Flower: gardenias are pretty.  and white roses...
20. State: i like colorado...  cause of the grand canyon.  that's that.
2. Coke or pepsi: id normally say coke; cause it has more caffeine; but id say none cause i just quit coffee.
3. Day or night: night.  most of the people sleep at night when i cant sleep so i feel like i have the world all to myself.
9. Tall or short: ...tall people; i dont like them that much...  short people are cute.  inbetween people are just people.  tall people strain my neck. 
3. Lipstick or lipgloss: ...do you want me to barf?
14. Silver or gold: silver..
15. Alcohol or weed: alcohol.  im too wimpy to try weed...  plus i tried booze before and i know i can deal with it.

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS:
1. Do you have a bf/gf?: ...that's a no.
2. Do you have a crush?: ...i said you can call him that if you like.
3. How long have you liked him/her: ...couple of years?
4. Why do you like this person?: ...that i dont know.  sad but true.
5. If you're single, why are you single?: ...cause i dont want to be involved and get hurt.
6. How long was your longest relationship?: ...few months?
7. How long was your shortest relationship?: ...refer to previous question.  that's barely the only relationship i ever had if you can call it one...
8. Who was your first love?: ...i dont know.
9. What do you miss about them?: them.  i just miss them?  if ever..

THE PAST:
1.What is the one thing you would change about your past?: ...stupid things i did; i wouldnt lie too much; considering how much my lies hurt me so.
2. What is the biggest mistake you've made in your life?: ...living a lie.

WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU...
2. Kissed?: ...tita carmen...  gramma's friend.  oh; it was tita em...  or was it tito marvin?  bleh... it was at gramma's bday...  i had to kiss and hug everyone.
3. Who is the last person you hugged?: ...uhm; really hugged?  that was raymar...  2++ years ago..  hugged as in just throw arms around a person?  robyn..
4. Fought with?: melody; from my old school in the philippines...  i never had a fight with anyone since i got here.

THE PRESENT:
1. What are you wearing?: ...navy blue pants... and my gym shirt... 
2. What are you doing?: ...talking to my cuzin ate gem...  and answering this survey?
3. Who are you talking to?: ate gem...
4. What song are you listening to?: ...sometimes when we touch... dan hill.
5. Where are you?: basement....
6. Who are you with?: dark shadows in my head…?
7. Are you online?: ...no, you think?
8. How are you feeling?: woozy.
9. Are you in a chatroom?: yea; #waa; undernet irc.

FUTURE:
2. What are you going to do after this?: drink some sunny d and try to sleep...  or finish my english homework... i have tons and im only done half.
4. Where are you going to go?: closet...
5. How old will you be when you graduate?: ...18?  19?  i dunno.
6. What do you wanna be?: i wanna be a bum.  jk.  i dont know yet.  but if i get married right after college.. ill be a house wife!  someone said i should marry some rich guy and then have a baby then get divorced... or i could kill the poor rich man and get all his money plus his insurance policy!
7. What is one of your dreams?: i had this recurring dream of a knight on a black armour; and were at this beach... and im sitting on the rocks... and i just feel like i need rescuing but i cant see the point of my rescue cause the place is so pretty... and im alone; sad... but ya... that's one of my dreams... i get rescued! oh DREAMS... like...  ok dreams...  oh dreams you mean... ok...  i wanna be married; stay married have a baby and be a mom and be a good mom...  bleh that's not 1 dream at all.  not even close.
8. Where will you be in 25 years?: in 25 years i'll be 40++  i might be six-feet under the ground.  or ill be living in a house with my family.  or ill be working as a journalist on this place where journalists work. 

OTHER:
1. Do you write in cursive or print?: ...both.
2. Are you a lefty or a righty?: righty.
3. What is your sexual preference?: ...im straight.  im a heterosexual. 
4. What piercings do you have?: ...for my earrings?
5. Do you drive?: go karts?  yes.
6. Do you have glasses or braces?: glasses...  **coughdorkcough**

ok.  its over.  im tired.  sorry ernest... im such a slob.  u.u  i broke my promise... sorry.

im so sorry! gomen neh? **sits in a corner**

mused dettie at 10:21 AM [+]
...

hmmn. last night had this way weird conversation with trish charisse and ernest... us girls were hyped as hell... lol anyway; i just found out that im charisse's mommy.... ¬¬ how'd it happen? i dunno... ask her. trish is on an orange mania... and im secretly related to trish charmy and charisse. how'd it happen? i dunno i just felt like saying it... so i did. now were all related cause i said so.

hey you... i hate it when you're sad. its stabbing me badly... so dont be sad... i cant make a layout that would make u feel special enough cause i suck at making layouts... so dont be sad... its making me sad too. why do you have to be so far? if ur right next door i would literally strangle you when ur like that... depressive. i would strangle u and make u listen to me for once. you never listen to me. you always tell me not to be sad... but i guess i just dont affect you that much! its just... why do you always have to be sad everytime you have to leave!?!?!! it haunts me hours after im offline... like today... its almost 10 your time; and you started to act weird. everytime u have to log off its like the world's falling and its putting everything on you... it just makes me cry... and crying isnt a smart thing to do. you told me not to cry... bleh... but u act like you're hurting and sometimes i feel like i just hurt u badly without me even knowing... ergh. i rant again... you are just so far off sometimes... or maybe you're closer than i give you credit for... maybe im just telling myself that. maybe its all in the pain = away thing... and away = pain. i cant explain... maybe im just being egotistic... or maybe someone acctually cares for me more than im giving anyone credit for. maybe im just going in circles with all my maybe's... this is going no where. it should end. this is terminated

charisse? im a mommy... charisse u really scare me sometimes... you and your outlandish ideas. ur too far off too. you and ur eugene guy... ok im stopping... trish... i wubb yoo... cuzin! lol charmy... yea. i wish my smart alecy remarks got to ur head ok? i am not ussually a smart ass... but... u know... some special occations i am... so cherish the words! hehe... i hate this test thing i failed. i used to know it perfectly... but i forgot the whole entire thing. so yea... im fucked up... >< no wonder i waste to much time as a vampire... in a city of squares... so come be mine!!!!!

mused dettie at 8:51 PM [+]
...

im happy... i got my 'daily dose of pain killer' and its all good i think. **grin** i couldnt sleep last night... again. bleh... not a frickin' wink. i was grouchy for most of the day. english was uber long. feh. seniors' are having their diiploma exams, and pr1&pr2 are extended... bleeeeeh. so i had an extra long spare. which probably was good... but i was grouchy; and it didnt do me good. i wanted to sleep. or atleast just mope in a corner left alone. **glares at mc** mc kept dragging me around... trying to make me go to wendy's. i was lazy... so we didnt go. i was laying like a bum on the steps during lunch. hehe... and i told ash to bug mc so she'd get her some food. instead; ash asked miranda to get ME food cause i was hungry... which was no where close to what i was saying... so ash and i shared teh sandwich... and i ate the cookie.

i was singing crazy songs all the way to the math wing. and we did sines and cosines law during class. i missed the first few classes on it.. and our unit test's tomorrow... no calculator. dude. im screwed as hell.

u know i love you right? ok.

the vampire thing kills time. awesome. i need to get someone to lend me a calculator... i need to get someone to do my essays for english for me... or atleast just type it up for me. hmmn. tired. you know what's sweet? someone's giving his pw for aim cause some friend of his is having a fight with his gf. how cute. **tortures the sweet person with hugs** ¬¬ my sis is blaring britney spears. and guess what? im shivering. i just met this katie kid during art today... and i dont like her. she's too incredibly preppy. **barfs** she thinks she's all that too; plus she'd hit anyone who says she's ugly. its hilarious. i just focused on my clay tile... and worked my ass off... so i managed to finish this one thing... bleeeh. i want to scream. bejie's site is down. hmm... tutubingpreso's not up yet... and the vampire thing is amusing me.

mused dettie at 7:28 PM [+]
...

i cant say much. school week. get it? yea. not enough dose of pain killer.... **laughs** i am not a ghetto queen. btw come be my childer!!!!!

mused dettie at 8:15 PM [+]
...

bleh. im just gonna say stuff later. someone logged off on me. hey you mad? bleh. ok. fine. be that way.

mused dettie at 4:33 PM [+]
...

hmmn; i just joined the spiralx forums. its so hillarius. bleh. anyways; im tired. i just realized i hurt my arm too from yesterday. i guess mr padded police man grabbed me too hard. holy shits. anyways; im tired. ill go rest.

mused dettie at 9:20 PM [+]
...

four more pages on the green book left. when its filled; its time to burn it. i know i said i wont burn this one. i said 'this one; i'd acctually keep for good.' but no. its turning to ashes too, like all the other compilations i managed to finish. its giving me the creeps. at the moment i cant even remotely see myself that depressive. but i am depressive as shit. reading back; i cry cause i pity myself. its better that way i guess. atleast now i acctually appreciate me. and i feel bad cause i cant even imagine the time when i felt worse than shit. i just cant see myself in that oposition. i guess its the thing they call a mental block. and im glad cause i blocked it. this might not last all too long, but atleast i have it for now.

i do love people. i love the cousins trish charmy and charisse... i love ate anne; ate lek; mikee and gen... patty.... everyone. and no. dont think im doing this cause i decided im dying soon. i mean; that might be the case; but no. i just feel ok. i want to scream badly though. and for no real reason i feel tired as shit. yes physically tired. maybe my mental and emotional phases are gaining up on me. maybe the not eating and not sleeping deals are starting to kick in. bleh. no matter. all's i know is i feel ok. so there.

its so weird. i dont get it. i shouldnt mumble too much. i hate it when people are messing with my head. not that it matters but its getting to me. **kicks a chair**
and
someone,
know that i love you ok?

mused dettie at 6:49 PM [+]
...

morning; no jacket, freezing at busstop; had subs for breakfast; went to check in; sent off to 'anger management thing for gym class'; and went home. more details in a few.

EDIT::
ok! here here.
when i was leaving for school this morning; mom was going on about me leaving home too early; and coming home too late; or something always comes up. [yes i just love being home that's why i stay away from it as much as possible. riiiiiight.] so anyways; someone wore my jacket. in short; i wasnt wearing a jacket while i waited for my bus. of all the days for the bus to be late; it was late today. so i was standing there at the frickin' stop freezing my ass off for 15 minutes at most, cause the bus was late. and i only had my hoodie on. ¬¬ ash found me on the bus; [she's been waiting at the stop too long too! meh.] and we were complaining and pining over how crappy the weather is, and she asked me if i wasnt cold since i was just wearing a hoodie. so yea; we got to school alive; and yes; she held the door for me this time cause i was carrying a whole shitload of crap on wednesday and mc and ash just let go of the door and i was screaming 'hold the door! hold the door! AASSSHHH!!!!' she said 'now i know that i should watch you on the bus other wise you'd hurt yoourself.' [i just realized that wednesday was a torture session day. first i got slammed by a train door in the face; then i got pushed around; stepped on and pushed off a train. then i got a good toungue lashing from the 'rents.]

we were standing by the main door cause ash was searching through her stuff for her management marketing class' homework. [took a while cause well; ash is a little on the unorganized side.] she's more organized than me or miranda though, but she's still messy. well; while standing there laura and mc came; and mc asked if i was hungry cause she was getting a sub. i wasnt really; but i said yes anyway. so she bought me and ash a sub each with teh drinks **hugs miranda** i felt sick after though. i dont ussually have a heavy breakfast. anyways; i was eating the sub during TA check-in and she kicked us off cause she thinks its pretty sick that were eating a full blown sandwich for breakfast. lol well not really. she had to send us off to the 'safe and sound' session for gym. so yea; we spent all day in the community gym for this session thing. we were tought basic grips from assailants; and how to get ourselves loose. and there was a big blue padded thjing that we got to practice punches and kicks on. people were looking at me weird like im some sort of a freak; but then again, yea. i kinda lost it there for a bit. and i guess i was the only one acctually screaming 'hyeaaaah' when i was hitting and punching the thing. they were looking at me like i bite. u.u it was pretty much 'anger management.' and more. then we had this padded attacker. and my scenario was i was at a convenience store and this drunk fucktard just approaches me and asks for money to buy more booze. so anyway; the training was to be firm and say no at the dot. so i said no; and i kept walking away. then he grabbed my left arm [man he grabbed hard too, it hurt.] and my right fist just came flying at him. and then he let go of my hand and i did a bunch of other punches cause i cant activate flee yet. he was all over me almost. then he pinned me down. everyone else in that class were all giggly; while he was pinning me down so i got up and punched him again [he was wearing a helmet and i was wearing gloves so dont worry] and he kind of stepped back and i fell flat on my ass and kicked like shit; then while he was staggering backwards; i ran. so i guess i got a pretty decent grade for that. miranda was just lunging at teh guy's legs; and tackling him. it was hillarious. then the guy grabbed her and slammed her on the mats; then miranda just lunged at him. hehe i burst out laughing. and everyone else went 'whooooooaa.' but yea. it was all good. kinda vented a lot. punching and kicking and yelling my head off. i mean the guy was 6 feet sumthin, and he had the football player look. god. i took him on alright. i wasnt expecting that demonstration to be that realistic minus the mats and the gloves and the guy was padded; but he was going at it full force. he was seriously pinning me down. i was kicking like crazy. yea he was nice though mc and i stuck around after the class and talked to the instructors a bit, and the torture dummy the officer. [shit he's a calgary cop.] so yea. the lady who's a cop too was saying how well we did. and all that schnazzy shtuff. she said she wouldnt worry about miranda cause she's strong. [she is though. damn bitch lifts me up when im not cooperating specially when im pissed and grouchy.] and she said i have cool reflexes cause the second he grabbed me my hand just came flying. lala~ it wa sall greatness. sarah bitch was there too btw. and she was stunned. so i guess she'd lay off our case from now on. bleh. she kept moving closer and closer to us trying to over hear our conversation. then i said 'damn you bitch move ur ass away from me before i cream the shits out of it.' to no one in particular really and she moved in the middle of the group. [mc and me mary jodi and ash h. were at the back] went home as soon as i could. had to wait for the bus again though cause i missed the early one. i was freezing my ass off again. anyways; ive been listening to 'rock bottom' since this morning almost all day kind of. but yea.

mused dettie at 2:14 PM [+]
...

laying low on the crap side.

had an adventure with ash yesterday. yay! i got stepped on, pushed off and pushed aournd the crowded train. yes. damn you jack ass who stepped on my foot!!! i hate j00!!!! the fat fucktard stepped on my foot and pushed me off the train. u.u i couldnt even scream ouch. the loser. IT HURT SO BADLY!!!!!

other info on the day's at the other somewhere. not on teh diary. i dont want to go to teh diary. i'll go some time soon. not now. i feel hyper and i dont want to blow it over sooner than it will.

i put up a new wallpaper on this pc. ¬¬ its vash! trish's hyper. im glaaad! hanna's not madd at me! yay! i miss u too charmy!!!! i might get to talk to you tonight~

PS:: did i mention my right foot hurts badly?

mused dettie at 11:00 AM [+]
...

...adventures. lalilaa

mused dettie at 11:00 AM [+]
...

...too much crap. hah. went to the house ash's house sitting yesterday. i didntw ant to go home. when i did get home, no one was hoeme xcept for the jack ass. he didnt know i was in already, i just saw him in the kitchen, and i just went straight to my room. i know it soundws pretty disturbing... and all that shit. but well, im not planning this. im just doing things i feel liek doing. screw everyoen i hate.

mused dettie at 11:07 AM [+]
...

ok. so far, crap has been all over me. spare me ok? its not like i can take on anything. no matter how strong i feel or think i am, sadly; im none of those things. i end up crying at the end of the day, wond'ring, more like, just hoping next day would be better. but then again; there are days that i just wish id drop dead right at the dot. maybe fall asleep and never wake again. for a moment in my life; i was hoping for relief. but now; i just want it all to end. there's a major difference.

for the most parts, im too tired. im sick of trying to cope, im sick of everything. i dont want to be miserable. but here i am. a miserable wreck. everyone tells me not to let things get to me. i tried. hard. but it didnt do em good. maybe i am just one of those weak people who doesnt take refuge on themselves. i hate myself. i could've stopped this from coming, but i was too weak to do anything for me or for anyone related to that matter. shit life. shit life and everything that has anything to dow ith it. why is it akll of a sudden everyone else's problem? i'll deal with this in what ever way i can and i'll manage. no wait. i cant manage. im too broken to manage. im too messed up.

i honestly didnt want to come to school today. my mom was going on forever about me helping myself and things. i've lost interest in helping myself. its not like i never tried, i already did. all my life ive been helping myself. but im just too tired now. why is everyone acting like i never helped myself? its just too much. too much is far more than i can handle. im too tired. stop asking questions. stop making me remember. im messed up cause i am, and its not like it just happened yesterday. it happened long long ago, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. sorry mom. ive had enough of it. di ko na kaya. ayoko na. sawang sawa na ko. pagod na kong umiyak. salamat na lang.

pabayaan nyo na lang ako. kung ayaw kong magsalita, ibig sabihin nun wala naman akong gustong sabihin. for one, you dont have to make me speak. if i wanted to speak, if i believed everything would be better after i spoke, i would've done that ages ago. i didnt, cause i know it wouldnt change a thing, what's happened happened already. i t wont matter if i was hurt. it wouldnt matter to anyoen else. screw everyone. im sick of it all. enough. since everyone knows how miserable i am, im over pretending. enough pretending for me. i dont have to pretend im sleeping, when im not, i dont have to pretend im happy. why do you want me to act happy when you know im not? you want your perfect world. a perfect world i'd rather not have any part of. you wanna knwo if i want to die? yes i want to die. right now.

ive been hiding myself from everything. i stopped listening, stopped caring, stopped worrying about myself a lifetime ago cause all i worry about is if i'd do things right. everything is already too messed up, and my mistakes would make it worse. so i couildnt say the truth, i am not supposed to be angry. i am not allowed to tell anyone. and when my teacher in sixth grade confiscated the notebook, everyone got mad at me. why did i have to let people know? fuck you! i was dying of pain then. besides, its not like iw anted them to know. they tiook the notebook, i had no choice. maybe i shouldve made the cut deeper. if i did maybe im already dead. maybe if i did, no one wold have to pry open the wounds that havent healed yet, which im trying to keep numbed. do you hate me that much? i cant atke more pain. if youre hurting as much as i am, you wont even manage to smile. but i smile. i laugh. i do everything im supposed to do if i can. but no. it doesnt matter. you just have to hate me for being miserable. di mo pwedeng icompare ako sayo ma. i was a child. a child ma! alam nyo ba kung gano kahirap? wag kayong magagalit sakin kung bakit miserable ako. kasalanan ko na. kasalanan ko nalahat. sawang sawa na ako! lagi na lang akio ang kailangan makinig. kung minsan, pwede ba, pabayaan nyo na lang akong maging ganto? pagod na kong nagppretend. sawang sawa na ko. a yoko na. sana matapos nang lahat. matatpos din lahat to. ayoko na.

every day, for every waking hour, i always have to keep myself. until ive lost me. nothing. i dsont know how to laugh now, and mean it. i cant tell when im happy, or im really happy. im not allowed to be miserable right? so i have to pretend im always happy. please. spare me. im sick of everything. ive had enough. if i didnt want you to read this, this would be in the diary. but you should read this cause ive had enough. im sick of pretending im fine. im sick of everyone asking me to be happy when everyone knows im not. im sick of teh shit that everyone throws at me. im sick of it. sick of all the crap i have to deal with. and you ask me why i keep going on about it? its not that easy to forget. its not like, i say it, and then everything evaporates off my mind. ive been keeping things too myself all mylife. what do you expect? everything is etched in my brain. and dont fucking say im keeping it on purpose cause im too angry. shit that. i am angry. ive heard that too much. i tried to erase everything from my mind. everything. i tried to get rid of the crap. but nothing happened. it didnt work. i thought that maybe id face the demons. i did. and all i did was cry at teh memory. see? it would just hurt me more if i tried to forget. remembering and accepting that life is crappyw orks for me. and dont try to make me see throough rose colored glass. im sick of that. ive been fending off reality. not that i accepted it, dont tell me to stop pretending ill be fine. i can deal. and no one else can. cause this is my crap. and no oen can tell me how i can deal. ill do it on my own. everyone just elave me alone. mom, everyone. even you. i dont need people pressing me for answers i dont have. stop asking me questions. i know you cant handle the answers. youre too scared of the truth. so stop asking me. i wont give you anything. maybe atleast not till all this ends.

mused dettie at 11:09 AM [+]
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scream for help.

mused dettie at 1:00 AM [+]
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hey, thank you ernest. for letting me speak. for being there. thank you. a lot. i really appreciate it. thank you for being there... how many times do i have to say it? i dont know... but thanks. im ready to explode. but thanks. i felt better... thanks for making me laugh. and yes i did call u ernest. not matt, not dan, not mikz. but ernest. thank you. a lot.

mused dettie at 1:00 AM [+]
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im grounded.
so i'm probably gonna be on hiatus.

its all good. ya. its all good. just to hint on things, i spoke too soon when i said im ok, as in ok, ok. but its all good.

hehe, yupp ate lek. most likely. **grin**
hehheh; it's all good charmy ^^

diary entry.

mused dettie at 7:39 PM [+]
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***TOOK THIS FROM SOMEWHERE.

what the hell is up with certain people? i said i want nothing to do with this certain thing and they frickin dont get it. they just keep on trying to get me to 'date' some people.... and i frickin dont want to! its not because i think im superior and all that crap. i just dont want to.. maybe im just scared. but enough of that. i dont want to. so they should just drop their case and let it go! for crying out loud its been months now! geez. its not like i havent told them, i did a zillion times already. what the hell is so hard to understand? **kicks a chair**

who invented sleep? who invented the 24 hour days? who invented coffee? or who discovered the coffee beans? who invented the calendar? who invented christmas, new years... and the like? who invented the year? what if they calculated things wrong? maybe it isnt new year yet? maybe its only year 503 instead of 2003?

stupidity kicking in.

what is this? some sort of post year partum syndrome? spare me. ¬¬ blah. the time stamp thingie is 2 hours advanced. **whacks thetimestamp** youre 2 hours ahead retard!

...HOW CREEPY? hehe***

mused dettie at 4:13 PM [+]
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couldnt sleep... so ya. i am here again.
...lookie! its the panda's story thingie! lol its funny. so go see spiralx.

mused dettie at 4:42 AM [+]
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Sherazard feature again. ^^
nothing fancy, i think there are errors too... haha... i know... sloppy work. cause people are bugging me when i was working on it... and yea.... i might fix it one day... ¬ ¬ procrastinate. meh. 'aman eh! i dunno. i know i can fix it now; gah! just too lazy. mind, i need more words for the 'girl' part thingie over there... [points at the side.] and that snippet there, is just a snippet. its not a poem. not enough words too. sign my guestbook kudasai? u will? sugoi! lalalala~

hmm, yesterday, i was looking at magic cards, and the like. and so far i like mana short. **grin** la lang. ive been saying cute all day too. and i kept him up and i wasnt even talking, well so he said. hmmm.... last happy new years' from people... pj was so weird. showing off his celphone. ya pj! u frickin show off! **hug** missed u! hanna's mad at me, i think. sad, but i think she is mad at me... dont be mad hanna.. gomene~ u.u hmm, charmy, u werent online. >< charisse isnt too. and trish... aaah where were you???? i acctually get the general drift of war od genesis. ive learnt so much today. most bout mtg, and war of genesis... and also some on ebay stuff. maybe one of these days ill be addicted to ebay and spending money and things... o.o ooh! maybe i can find a guitar there! yey!!!! [does some sort of weird demented dance] lalilaa lalilaa~~~ oh and kevin has a new layout. geez i hate him. he always comes up with awesome layouts. plus, its riku~~ riku~~ **yay yay** im convinced that sora's better. though riku's evilness, [well kind of] im kinda not leaning to that side as of now, so ya. sora... lalalala~ riku's still cool. hmmm... goofy. ya. charmy said she's goofy. o.o people having weird dreams lately... mark, charmy... and me, waking up crying. for what reason? i have no clue. so anyways.... i am going upstairs now. so dont worry about me.

mused dettie at 3:31 AM [+]
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i feel so stupid. 'amaaaan. - -

mused dettie at 3:31 AM [+]
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[...i moved my new year's post. mehehe...]

for the love of it, i love you all!

mused dettie at 12:19 AM [+]
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