...all i want is you.

-- Thursday, March 20, 2003 --

hi...
hey guys. it's me... or atleast the me who'd end up saving me if i give her the chance.
im so sorry... for so long ive been lying. kaya ko 'to. and then, i fall over... hindi naman pala... i've been strong all this time. taking everything in, word for word; scene by scene. and i'd tell myself i got each and every one of those done with. everyone would be proud of me for getting by. proud of how strong i am... but... i wish i was stronger. maybe if i was i wouldnt be so tired... maybe i wouldnt let go... but there are days when i feel so helpless, so hopeless... and i get the feeling that... that's all i could ever possibly do. for myself. and screw everyone else.

i always thought maybe, they would stop on their own. the pain would go away eventually. the pain would get tired and stop altogether. but i was wrong for fighting when i was supposed to give in. i know you guys want me to fight... but i'm tired. im so tired. i said i'd hang on... just for the sake of dear people; no matter how few. but what about me? when will i do something for me? i would always feel guilty for hating every beautiful day... and force myself to like things. but you get tired of pretending... and take a rest. stop a while. but everyone would come pounding in on you. what with why's and i have no idea how to answer. i would always limit myself for fear of hurting someone. maybe my words would offend someone... and the things i write would end upas something that came from somebody else. i realize i dont know who that other person is. but i envy her. she's happy... and vibrant... and everyone who gets to know her adores her. i feel bad for myself for not being her. but then that girl is me... and i feel bad for the both of us cause im killing her, and she's trying to fight me from killing her because people would get hurt. and people would ask questions that we couldnt answer. she got tired. she gave up and stopped. she became as dull as me, and it was my turn to play her part. and i was never meant to be good at it, so every now and then i'd cry. cry then after a few tears stop myself for fear of getting asked what's up with my eyes. i sigh... and say... ...wala, pagod lang ako. as if it were true... i dont even know if im trying to convince myself, or make everybody else believe so they'd leave me alone... i dont know anything anymore.

i used to always think its all my fault. for a good part of my life i felt guilty for everything cause i thought everything's all my fault. there's always a war going on inside of me. after a while, it stopped. and she was too tired to argue; and i was too tired of the guilt. she kept telling me its not my fault... and i kept insisting it is. she kept telling me to love life. i didnt. she got tired of fixing me, when all my intent is on keeping my ground no matter how off center it is... and i didnt realize she was pulling me back, when i kept going the other way... eventually realized im on the edge. and there's nowhere else to go. we both got tired. and she rejoined me; looking at me, persuading me to walk back. i did. i got back in the center of everything. i was working hard with myself... i wasnt happy but i was coping... slowly.
and then they kicked me. my slow progress was not only thwarted... but the blow took me way back to the edge again. i tried to go back to where i was... i tried. but the flat chess board became a hill; a very steep one; and my progress was as if i were on a treadmill. a low treadmill slowly stopping me from reaching the top. gently slowly moving back; but allowing a good amount of progress. i was ok. i am half way from where i want me to be... but they are so cruel. they pushed a button and the treadmill moved faster and faster untill i couldnt fight it anymore. i kept fighting... and fighting... but it only made my fall slower... i shouldve know the fall'd be inevitable... cause for every step i took i was taken back. and my efforts grew too small to even matter compared to the great movements of the treadmill. and before long it took me back to the edge. im on the edge. im sorry guys. im sorry but if the teardmill doesnt stop ill fall. and i couldnt possibly be any happier if that happens. please dont hate me... im sorry. im still trying; and im still not letting go... but im at the end of my rope right now... and im at the edge of my cliff. i dont know why... but im sorry. im still fighting. im not giving up. but im sorry. im sorry cause i dont know how long i'd last.

mused dettie at 11:03 AM [+]
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nothing.

mused dettie at 4:21 PM [+]
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uhm; definitely still on hiatus.

just decided to tell people i love the truenuff comic. and no. im not as ok as i was... so; im lying low for a while till i generally [finally] fix my pc. that is... if i get the time and the interest in anything at all despite the state im in and the condition of my head. btw; thankys to trish for the touching forward email. sorry if i mailed it to a bunch of you people too... but uhm; i had that same episode... cleared out my locker and all... but im still here. oddly enough, i never considered that stranger person guy a friend... but he changed my mind that day. the story goes on but i wont go there. im gone.

music: unwell - matchbox20
mood: -.-'' - [nauseated.]

mused dettie at 4:16 PM [+]
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nothing?

Which Hellsing character are you?
You're Helena, the beautiful little vampire girl. You are wise far beyond your years, and your vast knowledge has made you a profound thinker. It comes at a price, however: you have become weary of the rude world and are frustrated at your own lack of abilities. You spend your time locked inside reading endlessly. You can't be bothered to fight for a cause or stir from where you have become comfortable in any way.

mused dettie at 9:49 AM [+]
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hiatus
whooee! im here! again... i am uber sad to announce that... it went just as fast as it came. the weekened sucked major ass and im frickin' longing for some major kick out of a freakin' dose of coffee. god...

if its anything out of the ordinary, would any of you guys be anything surprised at all? well... it just came out of the blue... intensified by the immense need to do 'something' other than listen to the few cd's at home... radio... and eat. for a while there i amused myself by freaking the kids out... but that passed. blah. jona was over all weekend... and she was hogging my closet to herself. [its not that she wouldnt let me in... i just cant stand being in MY special place with soemone else...] its ok... i mean... i do KNOW my closet is... special... if you know what i mean... [that is if i make any sense at all...]

i was sick all saturday... bleh. like disgustingly nauseated... why? i dunno... maybe due to lack of sleep... we were reading the fourth harry potter book all night... and i had to wait up for the folks to get home. they got home at around 3 am-ish... and i went to our room. i couldnt sleep... and when i was finally getting drowsy... jona suddenly pulled on my frickin blanket. i opened my eyes abruptly and shit... then she let go and turned away. i was all... [aw fuck] messed up. she woke up freakin' early after that too. round 7 am-ish. god! and then my sis woke up several minutes after her. they stayed in the room talking [loudly] and i never got to sleep. i stayed in bed till 11... before i finally gave up. then well; we went to the superstore a few minutes after i got up... to get a crap load of junkfood. normally, that shouldve been uber nice and shit... but i was nauseated and crap... well... i ate chips and read and ate chips and drank pop... and ate soup. i ate soup all weekend... [besides the junkfood that is...]

sunday started out almost exactly like saturday. didnt sleep more than 1 hour.. blah... only; folks left as soon as i was up almost and went off to gramma's. then we had breakfast... [soup again] and it didnt take too long before we were bored out of our minds. we played with my mom's make-up crap... and scared the kids. well; i scared the kids. you should see their faces... angel was crying. it was classic. it wouldve been ok [minus the nauseated feeling] but mom gave this stupid comment that got to me when she got home [night.] she seriously took what those people thought of before what we were feeling. i was like... '...shit.' but i didnt say anything. i took a shower... and i cried.

this morning... mom told us about the thing that happened at gramma's. and it just pissed me off more. theyre always fucking treating us like we are frickin' retarded losers... well fuck them all. i hate them. they treat my mom like shit... calling her and making her do all these shit for them... and they treat hher that way... well... too bad. i hate them too. they hate us for nothing... i hate them more. for everything shitty they throw our way. ythose fucks ruin every fucking thing for us. i hate them. they deserve a good fucking dose of their own fucking medicine. i hate them. and i hate everything right now.... shit.

music: sonny - new found glory
mood: >> - [fucked.]

mused dettie at 9:49 AM [+]
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hiatus
hey guys! [again]

weekend's up for grabs... and that means i wouldnt be able to get connected somehow. well; i was just wondring if anyone else missed my sillypeasy posts... so; did anyone else miss those? well... i did... so... here here!

we never had art in ages! mrs schiele got uber sick... gaaah! i miss her! she might be oen of those creepy teachers who get those entirely bizzaro ideas and makes us students do them. eek! but i love her none the less. [grin] uhm... i did finish most of the religious studies stuff due for today... but its still ok. well... i used to think i either get good grades or a zero... but now; im all for some grade atleast than zero. bleh. so im betting id atleast scrape right past the 50% and whiz by... then pass with a 60% atleast. id start with that.... then next quarter id get it going. aaaaah! bell went!!! stupid bell...

mused dettie at 10:02 AM [+]
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just some quick notes to everyone. [ok; maybe not so quick...]

hiatus
hey guys!
       im so sorry for not blogging at all... i know its been too long but if it makes any difference, i was trying to spare all of you from the crap... i havent been posting here, at the diary, or the x site, or my lj [which i got a few days back] and you do know not ranting isnt me right? do understand that this time was different and im posting now to tell you guys that im hoping [**coughhopingcough**] that id be posting more often [again].

       i think most of you people knew what happened to my trusty dell pc. yes, and no. yes, its still broken alright. but! [whoopee there's a but!] but... its actually working again, sort of. cause,no... i cant use it; still. confusing? well, what i really was trying to say was i can 'acctually' turn the pc on now. not like several days back; when it wouldnt even turn freaking on... and it got me frustrated as hell... as if i wasnt frustrated enough already. gyah! so; i fiddled with the insides of the pc, and found that this iddybitty wire thing was fried. like seriously fried. why? becasue some retarded ass stuck a frickin' [insert the metallic-pointy-thingie-with-the-chisel-like-thing-on-the-other-end-used-to-poke-on-nails-during-pedicure-things' name here] inside the machine, causing the whole thing to short circuit. nifty huh? well; for some unknown reason, i managed to fix it. how? i have no idea... but when i was fiddling with stuff, they left me alone, and i kind of felt like i knew what i was doing. maybe i was secretly trying to make it explode, thats why i felt that way... but nevermind. so; the machine is acctually turning on... problem was... it wont boot properly. that's why i cant use it. u.u if i get the time [and money - -'']... id upgrade. if not, id just fix the junk i have. right now though im so junked over school shit and the like i have no time what-so-ever to spend on it. i tell you... i hate slipping away as much as the next person and all... but i tend to do that a lot... but i guess you guys understand me! [hug]

       whenever i seriously lose it... i tend to screw over practically everything. in any case, after my own health; school shit gets the most neglect... and right now... im atleast trying to cope. i literally bombed a math quiz. and this time for real... i got like, a 45%. sadly... true. [erck] social projects due friday... and im barely; barely done any work. oh well. i decided i wouldnt openly be depressed anymore. its ruining my life for me [without me throwing in any effort of sorts to help it; that is ok... so maybe even if i help it]. for the most parts of the week; ive been scaring everyone by acting hyper. if you ask me if its because of a sugar high, or if im drunk, drugged, or doped; no im not. i just act that way... and they actually seem to get along with me better than when i wasnt talking to them unless i had to. its all good. only you people reading this acctually know of my true 'state of mind at the moment' and no worries. i figured if i abandon neglect id be just fine. maybe if i deal with school more id be better than fine.

       yes... yes... and yes...
       yes; im doing my homework from now on. yes, id be updating you guys as much as i can...[that is if you sign my guestbook and email me at dettiekinz@yahoo.com **winkwink**] and yes, im taking care of myself now. i acctually eat, and work out daily. quite honestly; i cant quite do as many push ups as i used to be able to do... and i cant quite do as many crunches and the like either... but its all going pretty good i guess. i can almost see my long forgotten muscles rejuvinating [if that is ever possible mind you] and im thinkin' id be all good physically speaking, in a month or so. sleeping issues are still there... just incase youre wondrin' bout it. i cant help that. but im trying. and... i am TRYING!

       i should work on my math homework now... i might post again later on in the afternoon or something... and i miss you guys so so much.
dette

PS edit::
its 3:13 and mrs jagorinec [whoohoo i spelled it right!] gave is personalized time to review formula naming and the like... im ok with those things, so here here! another extension for the 'note' [more like a semi elite novel.... blah!] well; i realized i havent gone over details... so... here's a few.

i am having unit tests on social, math and science on monday. the website for social is due tomorrow, the poster for social is due on wednesday... and i still have no idea what the poster is about. i still need a picture of me for social; and i need to write a test tomorrow for social. science is ok... as long as i remember the charges for every freakin' atom... which... yupp. you guessed it. i keep screwing over those. [bleah~] were having a math unit test on monday. gaaaah! i hate rational whatevers. but its ok. i mean... i get it now. now that i finally paid some attention during class. boohoo. activities A to F are due tomorrow. and... i havent completed any of those things. were also having our midterms on tuesday for stupid religion. i am seriously gonna blow that over again...

miranda just said im cruel. why? cause it slipped out of me. i said 'im acctually not pissed of today...' and she said, 'you werent pissed off these past days... you were acctually hyper and shit' and i just shut up. bleh. she then said i was cruel for making her believe i was ok when i wasnt. its all good. she forced me to go to mass during tutorials too. well; its ok. she owes me now. and she said she's getting me good food tomorrow. cause she made me go to church and she better. well; she keeps telling everyone im bi-polar. i dont think i am. i honestly better not be. it wont work for me. and if i am... i dont really want to know.

ive been egging people to give me a shonen jump subscription. a KEYBOARD [as in music related] or an electric guitar... or a laptop. and weird as it sounds; no one bitched at me for it. mom actually talked nicely and said if i just cancel my visit back home and fly next year instead. theyre actually telling me that'd be better cause i can fly all over the place cause im legally 18. bleh. im kind of err; agreeing since theyre kind of hinting im getting my keyboard! woohoo!!! as you guys can see; im all ok. ok? so no worries. ill be just frickin fine. =p. k. gotta go show my ass to mrs j... and no.. i wont moon her. blah. ok so im gonna get lost. peace.
dette music: wonderwall - oasis
mood: o o' - [dazed]
eating: chocolate chip pieces

mused dettie at 10:59 AM [+]
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