...all i want is you.

-- Tuesday, December 31, 2002 --

trish sent me my new year soup! yay! remember when iw as sick? and she said she'd send me some soup? yay! aww... soup!

happy new year! [does the yay i have soup dance] lalilaa lalilaa]

mused dettie at 11:28 PM [+]
...

'...i cant let go of something i never held on to. i cant lose something i never had. so? what the hell am i worrying about?'

ahem id post ur name here, but you might get to read this, cause of the big inet freak u r, but ya. dont take it personally. i dont know what the hell is up with that ok? dont ask me. maybe ask me when im dealing wioth that; which is probably not the right time since i can see myself as messed up as you. but then again, if it never eas, then why are u so guilty over it? geez. i wanna laugh at you so badly right now. but if i laugh that'd be mean. but ya. you dont make sense. maaahahaha

mused dettie at 10:43 PM [+]
...

new year present minna! lookie HERE!

mused dettie at 9:29 PM [+]
...

...new year's eve. i'd wonder what's out there for me, but then again, i dont. i want to thank everybody, but im at a loss for words.

i just hope everyone would have a great year. wow. new year's eve. i didnt think id make it. but hey! trish! charmy! i made it! im here! very much alive. i love you people! thank you for everything. kind words... worry... concern.... i appreciate it a lot. im hoping for a wonderful year... if not wonderful, then ok would be fine. as for me, i'll keep wishing that things would turn out better. that people who care wont get tired of caring....and people i love wont get hurt. maybe i'll add a bit of 'stop whining' to that... maybe i should get a life too. maybe i should live. again. maybe i should try harder... maybe... too many maybe's. thank you for the love.... and care and everything.... everyone. i'd liek you to know, that the feeling is mutual, if not doubled. --dette

mused dettie at 8:52 PM [+]
...

Starting Time: 12:06 am
Name: bernadette acosta
Nickname: badette, dette, dettezkie, dot, dettie
School: BO'B high
Eyes: black? maybe deep brown?
Height: 5`4
Siblings: belinda, breanne
Been so drunk you blacked out: err, ya.
Missed school because it was raining?: heh ¬¬' ya...
Ever set yourself a light 4 amusement?: hehe, ya. ..
Kept a secret from everyone: uh; u think...?
Had an imaginary friend: damn straight!
Wanted to hook up with a friend: nope; i've been against hooking up with friends since forever, given the choice...
Cried during a Flick: ya... i use those as an excuse in general.
Ever liked a teacher: bah. he was gay though...
Ever thought an animated character was hot?: hell YA...
Ever prank called someone: heehee... ya... **reminice**
Ever been on stage: yes... for the most parts; i hated it, except for certain price moments.
------------------FAVORITES-------------------------
Shampoo: herbal essences
Soap: ...its some herbal soap thing. smells yummy.
Colours: blue; black, black, blue
Day/Night: night
OnlineSmiley: ><, - -', o.o, Ü
lace or satin: ...err, no matter?
Cartoon Character: jane, daria, nitz, jen, jen*, gimpy, mission hill people, sylvester
Actor/Actress: those awesome people...
--------------FRIENDS AND CRUSHES------------
Like anyone?: i like all the people around me that i love a lot; and if ur thinking romanticaly, i like 'someone.'
Who's the shyest: not me. im not shy, im just self conserved.
Who would you go to for advice: charmy, trish, ate lek, nikki, nyawie, gela, and sometimes... some random strangers. very rare tho.
--------------HAVE YOU EVER...--------------------
Been mean: ...err, i do too much of that.
Been sarcastic: ...gah. i do too much of that too.
Talked to someone you have a crush on?: hmmm... i never had the feeling.
Missed someone: ...ya.
Hugged someone: ...ya. hugs are special.
Fought with your parents: ...i do too much of that too.
Wished upon a star: ...yeah. at times.
Laughed until you cried: ...that was a long time ago.
Watched a sunrise/sunset: ...you wont believe the emotions that come with it. ya.
Went to the beach at night: **grin** ya...
Are you talking to someone online: now? kuya ej, kuya paul, [ya, what'sup with the kuya] liss, mymy, and a bunch of other people.
-------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------
God/Devil: i believe in a GOD, but not necessarily the catholic god. and i believe the devil.
Love: ...im not a cold hearted bitch. im not a cold hearted bitch. im not a cold hearted bitch! yes! i believe!
Heaven/Hell: hell; yes... heaven; nope. the thought is just too far off.
When was the last time you showered?: round 4 pm...
What is right next to you?: a mic. **grin grin**
What is your computer desk made of? wood...
What are the last 4 digits in your phone? gah. stalker! ...0255
What was the last thing that you ate?: left over chicken. ¬¬'
Where do you want to go on your honeymoon?: someplace...
Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with: someone...? **grin**
How many people do you have on your list?: msn=108
How's the weather right now? not too cold, but with some snow.
Have you ever smoked pot?: nope...
What did you do last night?: talked to 'someone,' watched infomercials.
How do YOU eat an Oreo?: dunk in milk and bite... or split apart... and lick off the cream... yumm
Favorite food?: ice cream
Favorite movie?: city of angels.
Ever asked someone out?: hell no...
If you could change your name, what would it be?: azeya **grin**
Have you ever been in love?: ...i thought i was, but now i think i am... i know i love, but im not sure if were inlove.
What is the stupidest thing you have ever done?: ...get drunk.
What will your first son's name be?: matthew, or dave.
What will your first daughter's name be?: matea.
Favorite drink?: coffee, coke, chocolate milk.
Favorite musical artists?: dude! whatever rock!
Best thing that's ever happened to you?: having friends.
Favorite sport?: heh, i dont do sports. [im the ever well known clutz.]
If you could have three wishes, what would they be?
1.be with someone...
2.transport myself, and visit people i love.
3.have my life fixed...
Weirdest thing that happened to you this week?: someone made me happy
Nicest thing that happened to you this week?: someone made me happy
If you could 'reinvent' yourself, or your look,what would you be?: better vision!
How far would you go for love?: ...as far as i can.
What makes you cry?: thinking too much
What bores you?: dead hours.
What turns you on: what? *grin* ...oh behave.
What makes you laugh?: nice things that turn out funny.
Do you have any bad habits?: slouching, mumbling, and procrastinating
------WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU...-------
Bought something?: 26th of december..
Did something nice for someone?: i dunno...
Heard your favorite song?: yesterday.
Felt happy?: a while ago.
Broke something?: uhm, last week.
Saw your crush?: ...bah.
Got excited?: ...dont remember.
Changed the tv channel/radio station?: last time i was listening or watching
Had a party?: ...ergh. never ago?
Did something nice for yourself?: i dont know...

---------DEFINITELY NOT FAVORITES------------
Celebrity/Celebrities you can't stand?: pop icons.
Food you hate the most?: things that have a weird after taste. bitter things...
Person you'd most like to pack up and send to the moon?: preps at school! ...that sarah bitch to be specific.
What's a song you'd be happier never hearing again? ...preppy songs?
What's a moment in your life you'd rather never have existed? well..everything has a reason to exist..i dunno which I'd rather not have...
--------------FILL IN THE BLANKS--------------
I think people think I am... : nice, sweet, smart, clumsy, collected, funny, depressed
I think I am...: outcast, depress, weird, cuts/burns herself, messed up
I wish... : to transport anywhere I want anytime
I dream...: im loved, and im special.
I want to...: defy gravity, and fly.
I don't want to...: stay here.
I feel... : broken, loved, appreciated, hurt, and contented.
I'm proud...: of the way my mind works. and of how people appreciate and love me.
I hate...: holidays.
I'd be completely happy if...: i find my special self.
I would change... : everything that makes me miserable.
--------------NEARLY THE END...--------------
What time is it now? 12:27 am
How are you feeling?: ...tired. and happy. and broke, and broken.
What are you going to do after this?: log off and go clean up the kitchen cause my mom said so.
What are you going to do this evening/tomorrow: celebrate new year's eve?
The last thing you want to say?: ...i love because im not a cold hearted bitch.

mused dettie at 12:32 AM [+]
...

Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz
hey! guess what? i should! i need to vent.

mused dettie at 6:12 PM [+]
...

say it once,
say it twice.
say it again...
it sounds so nice.
say it once,
say it twice.
this is too good to be true.
i dont deserve to be with you.
said it once,
said it twice.
what's the catch?
what's the price?

say it once,
say it twice.
light broke through the wall of ice
say it once,
say it twice.
i didnt know i'd have you.
but now im here,
now im with you.
said it once,
said it twice.
so what's the catch?
what's the price?

mused dettie at 9:43 PM [+]
...

stupid ryo-ohki image is weird. maybe i shouldve edited it a bit so it'd look normal.. ah too late... so sorry... its so sloppy... i love u lots tho!!!! @ jezreel. miss u na... tagal na tayo di naguusap ah... take care always and dont forget me!

i need a tablet.

i need a life. i ruin everything... waaaah~

mused dettie at 8:57 PM [+]
...

click here and be MINE!!!
i am sherazard, and i'm a vampire! so, sign up and be mine!

here! so sorry. im not good at this... novice. **looks on the floor** gomene... u.u anyways, its ryo-ohki! **hugs jez**



the nun story. well, i was talking to the person i own. [ya... 1 0\v/|\|2 j00!] and we were talking about something, and it came to the 'NUN' part. and, i realized, i dont want to be a nun. i mean, no offense to anyone. i just dont. ...hey, you, stop pretending you're me! not like u did something horrible, but still. dont use my name! **bad bad** dalnet's being a real bitch. ><

'...were like this, and we dont even know where we stand.'
'...i know, were so weird.'
'...we are.'
'...we know were lost somewhere. so, we know its somewhere. but, we dont know where that somewhere is. all we know is we are somewhere, and that's 'somewhere' and... --i dont make sense again. i cant explain it. - -''
'...you're so cute when you do that. you try to explain something, but youre confused also. lol'
'...how mean, being amused when i get confused. fine be that way.'
'...so cute.'
'...heh.'
'...^^;'
'...on second thought, it is funny. haha'

ok, i better go sleep now, he's gonna say '...u lie.' again.

mused dettie at 11:12 PM [+]
...

'Yay!!!' for him. He finally made an update. Ü So go see it HERE!!! Go!!!!

DALnet's being a real bitch.

Oh, anyway, Charmy's gonna die for a few weekz, or so!!! NO!!!!!!!! We'll miss the entries! =( And she's got a new version up over HERE. If you ask me, it's awesome. It's great! I wanna sing again, but no one would listen to me!!!!

Oi, Guess what? 100th hitter! I have something for you! **grin** Yay! **hugs jezreel**

mused dettie at 7:50 PM [+]
...

.am you [depressed?]
brought to you by Quizilla

1:46. just had a singing spree with sabina, jopay and patty. it felt great! i never sang anything in ages. i think i should sleep now... ate anne would get mighty mad at me. heh... oh yah, patty moved here. Ü ya ya, i'll go sleep now~

mused dettie at 1:59 AM [+]
...

i stayed in my room all day... people just wont get off my back. hah. so i was all angry. im ok now.

aaah! i dont love card captor sakura that much, but i love this song... hahaha! oh, uhm, hahahaha... i dont know what i'll blog about. stupid stupid me. aaaah! oh, here's one thing i learnt today. I DONT WANT TO BE A NUN!!!
i love you! i'll love you more if you sign my guestbook! so sign my guestbook! **hug**

mused dettie at 11:46 PM [+]
...

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?
failed desktop and art. heh that took skill. Ü no one fails those subjects.
2. What was your biggest disappointment?
...failing art and desktop. - -'
3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions?
yes, most definitely, though he said trying to change means altering yourself, therefore, not being youself anymore. trying to be perfect has no use, cause it means not being yourself. anyways, i wanna stop being such a procrastinator. i wanna be nice, i wanna appreciate people who care more. i wanna socialize more. i wanna get a life, i wanna get my life back... and a whole bunch of other things.
4. Where will you be at midnight? Do you wish you could be somewhere else?
...here, at home. yes, definitely. dont i always?
5. Aside from (possibly) staying up late, do you have any other New Year's traditions?
lots of round fruits, and food and stuff. jumping to get tall! Ü countdown... and eating lots.

sign my guestbook. please?

ranting again! ate anne gots mad at me cause i was still up. hoowell. hmm, had this really odd conversation over at the room, about the 'showbizz' in the philippines. gah. we were mocking everyone. 'bina, aeon, patty, kev, lance, and me. and other people i dont know, were having so much fun mocking every filipino celebrity we can think of. it all started when i was complaining about these mp3's on my pc, the preppy ones. and then we were reminiscing the old days where the moffats and hanson kicked ass, and all the girls have their own names with 'moffat' or whatever as their last name. then we were thinking about as much bands as we could possibly remember... and spicegirls, borzone, 5ive, bewitched, and the like came up. heeh. it was funny.
we were at the mall almost all fricking day. >< god. i slept like, 30 minutes today. abd at that u'd think i should be sleepy now, im not. i keep yawning, but im not sleepy. i mean when i go to bed, i'd be wide awake and id be staring at the ceiling or whatever. meh. not right. i was all woozy all day. woo! i saw a chick flick! i saw 2 weeks notice! heeh! its so mushy! i love it. its cute. hmm. now, i have 5 keychains, and i only have 3 house keys. hahahaha!!! its hillarius! heehee... im woozy woozy woozy~! gah. ate anne'd be so mad. i said id be sleeping na... kanina pang before 2 yun. charmy! i miss u havent talked to u in... some days or sumthin!!!! aaaah!

mused dettie at 3:16 AM [+]
...

'...oh really now?'
haha. everything's so nice. lalilaa~ i kept saying that over and over... im so amused with life.
'...too bad i'm just your friend, not your lover.'
haha. it was just a joke at first... then a conversation started. hahahaha~
[am i missing out? maybe i should get myself someone to love me!!!]
'...and dont say you love me cause that wont get us far.'
gah. we always run out of things to say when that comes up. haha its like whenever that pops out; everything's complicated. its so easy to love friends and people though. its just natural instinct for people to be at a loss for words when that's the issue? ....bah. i jsut realized something, people who are 'inlove' are at a loss for words when love's the issue. but its always natural when love is mentioned in a loving manner. haha! that's so, odd. does that mean...? naaaah...

mused dettie at 2:50 AM [+]
...

'...you're falling out of reach. defying gravity. i know you're out there.'

mused dettie at 9:28 PM [+]
...

'...and i thought you were nothing more than an insensitive jerk, but you remind me of everything i've long since forgotten.'

bah... everyone telling me to go sleep... - -; charmy said i should sleep.. rukzie... kev... mc... ah conspiracy. ok i'll try to go to sleep! ok. ok. ok. thinking positive here. i will go sleep now!!!! and i mean NOW!!!!!!!!!!
NOW!!!

PS:: i got nothing for christmas. oh; tita mina gave me $50 bucks, and that's that. **grin grin** no one got me the journal i wanted... the journal i wanted... no one got it for me. and i dont know where the hell i can get it. **mope in the corner** oh i cant mope. i hafta go sleep. im gonna sleep! SUGOI!!!! im gonna sleep! everyone's scared of the ring. everyone except me. what the hell is so wrong with me? everyone's going 'kowaiiiii!' gah~ im sleeping!

EXTRA PS:: rukzie; stop teasing me! im not a denial queen... and there's nothing to deny! stop teasing me!!!! i care; **grin** and i didnt deny anything cause there's nothing to deny!!!!! that means im not a denial queen!
merry christmas! i cheated. its already... 15 minutes after 4. [sneaks out] im really sleeping now. **hugs everyone**

mused dettie at 3:26 AM [+]
...

...i want an LJ!!! here's joizu's and achi leshie's live journals! i just found out about these... so im plugging!!! i want an LJ!!!!!

mused dettie at 2:22 AM [+]
...

i love you!
thank you everyone. for the support. ill get over this somehow. i think things are already turning for the better... and maybe i'll sleep tonight... dreaming of days when things are better.

i haven't sang a note in ages... nor laid my hands on the guitar. the last things i ever wrote, one was a poetic letter for myself... trying to give me hope. and a disfigured suicide note... that's 4 pages long. its gone now... both are gone now. i burnt them already. i feel so hopeless... i feel so lost. ... then someone tells me '...because you are. you are the best thing that ever lived.' you dont know how much i appreciate those words. you dont. but you remain nice, and for that; i love you. the effort you spend to make me feel better... to make me smile after a horrible day. the way you make me feel like im making a difference to someone. the way you make me feel like to you i make a difference. the way you say i matter. i love you for your support. for telling me i can do anything... if i believe. youre one of the best friends ive ever had. i treasure you. for the time and the effort and the kindness. thank you.
[your name goes here]

there are days when i could just drop dead and rot to hell... there are days when i can barely handle my own breathing... sometimes, i think the best thing about life is death... im always ready to crash. but then you always remind me... you always tell me i have worth. you probably know this already... i love you a lot. thanks a lot for listening... for being the vent. im sorry if sometimes im too messed up, and u feel like ur not reaching out enough. its not you, its me. but it makes me very thankful, knowing i have someone like you. i feel like i could tell you anything; and i probably told you everything. most of teh time, you can tell what's going on in my head. but no. its not about bee. i could blame everything else around me right now; cause to me, they seem like the things pinning me down. but no. no one can make me feel small but myself. and they just so happen to impose that theyre reinforcing me. thank you for being such a friend. thank you for making me feel like my opinions mattered. thank you for telling me people do care for me. thank you for reassuring me that i do have the right to be happy. thank you for telling me you have faith in me, and meaning it. its been over a year... and i dont know what id do without you.
charmy

i know i never gave enough helpful advice to help anyoen pull through... but you always manage to make me feel confident and that i have a right to feel what i feel. you remind me that i can feel what i feel because i feel them... and that i shouldnt care about everyone else. that sometimes; i should consider me. and just me. keeping time for yourself isnt being selfish. im sorry ive grown so narrow and cold over the times i pushed emotions away. but thank you so much for understanding. youre so much younger than me... but you understand me, and you understand what im going through...it hasnt been that long... but thank you. and i love you.
trish

i know sometimes i tend to stop thinking altogether. i do stupid things. and theyre so stupid theyre not funny. i know i keep mostly to myself. but im sorry if i tell you things that worry you. im sorry... if i hurt you too when i hurt myself. thank you for being there... and thankyou for listening. if somehow... my misery is rubbing off on you... im sorry. i appreciate your friendship... and i treasure your trust. it hasnt been that long... but thanks for the company.
mc

mused dettie at 1:17 AM [+]
...

...when things are bad. they get worse. sometimes all that pulls you through is the thought that somehoe things cant get worse. **sigh**

mused dettie at 11:48 PM [+]
...

FAIRY TALE

nce upon a time there has a young CHEF named JACE. He was MISERABLY FALLING in the DARK forest when he met LONELY DAVE, a run-away MERCENARY from the COLD Queen MATEA.

JACE could see that LONELY DAVE was hungry so he reached into his JAR and give him his PLAIN PASTA. LONELY DAVE was thankful for JACE's PASTA, so he told JACE a very MISERABLE story about Queen MATEA's daughter AZEYA. How her mother, the COLD Queen MATEA, kept her locked away in a BUNGALOW protected by a gigantic DOG, because AZEYA was so SECLUDED.

JACE SCREAMED. He vowed to LONELY DAVE the MERCENARY that he would save the SECLUDED AZEYA. He would KILL the DOG, and take AZEYA far away from her eveil mother, the COLD Queen MATEA, and SLAY her.

Then, all of the sudden, there was a HORRIFIC STORM and LONELY DAVE the MERCENARY began to laugh. With a puff of smoke he turned into the gigantic DOG from his story. COLD Queen MATEA POPPED out from behind a STITCH PLUSH and struck JACE dead. In the far off BUNGALOW you could hear a BUZZ.

THE END.

Make your own Fairy Tale at fuali.com

mused dettie at 4:53 PM [+]
...

...everyone's pent up over the holidays. i want to give people a hug. i wanna give paul a hug. i want my friends... and i want for even 5 minutes... feel real. i wanna feel like im really really honestly happy... for 5 minutes... thats all i ask... but just when i think im ok... a rude interruption reminds me im not. the holidays... a season to be jolly. i feel stupid. like im misplaced. like a shrimp within the anchovies. the holidays used to be worth while... now the worth is gone. im forced to enjoy this... and pretend it enlightens me. i used to be really happy. spending misa de gallo with friends and family... and having things to look forward to. noche buena... fire crackers... now its all dead. and its like; im dying for every second of it. im dying. i dont feel alive; yet i know im dying. i wish i knew what's wrong with me. but i just dont get the point. i dont appreciate christmas. the passion for the season's greeting's flew off. took off and left me here to rot in pieces. my whole being aches. i wanna cry. a scar proves my bitterness. and again i go down the slumps....' from my letter to me; on my little book of misery.

mused dettie at 1:19 AM [+]
...

my method of suicide: drowning.

how would you commit suicide?
YOU WOULD DROWN YOURSELF. you are considerably jaded, even apathetic, about life. you find death desirable, but you aren't particularly concerned with suicide. you're strong and opinionated. if you did decide to kill yourself, it would be on a whim, and you wouldn't want to be pitied by those you'd leave behind.



what kind of junkie are you?

mused dettie at 8:03 PM [+]
...

ya; ive been sick for the most parts of this week. its so sad. anyways; trish and charmy; im so sorry for not showing up last night! my heasd was killing me. well, i figured since ive been drugged for the most parts of yesterday, i didnt take medication come 5 pm; and just crashed. haha. well; i found out mc called last night round 10; and i missed her call. not that it matters much [ya ya mc] jk! this morning she was at school; and people stole our table! stupid preps stole our table! but so ya; they called me instead. haha! nick had a gun from laura. its one of those thingies with the sticky dart thingies. but ya, he loved it so much; they had to take it away from him, cause well, you know, he was too in to it. im drugged again today. god; how can i do these things if im not drugged? id be in bed, dying [i wish] but im fine. i feel bad for not showing up at school at all today. it sounds like they had so much fun. >< but anyways; mc came over to drop off laura's present. heehee. she was just sitting by the door. [yes on the mat, and i was sitting by the stairs. dont just love me and my hospitality? (dude i know i suck)] im still sick as a dog. its sad. and 'smile smile' who signed my guestbook; sorry... i was sick. and you have to update WOG! people do visit that site you know; and you need to keep your visitors. **grin**

yo! after missing out on decent eating for the whole week... i mean, to sum everything up; i only had 2 decent meals all week. i pigged out on pi-- err *beep* today. i guess im too drugged out to care if my stomach's churnin' or sumthin. but ya, i had lots of it; and two tumblers of pepsi, and some double chocolate chip cookies. i know its sad; but you know, i havent been eating properly... and well; i deserve pigging out once in a while! and i always deserve pigging out on ice cream! so there!

mused dettie at 4:39 PM [+]
...

yay i linked mike and mitchie!!! w00t! theyre really cool sayko peoples! yay yay!

stupid day; im sick. so stupid.

mused dettie at 8:11 PM [+]
...

my head hurts; i cant think.i wanna cry... went over ash's place; did their homework... i forgot everything. i wanna scream. haha

mused dettie at 10:07 PM [+]
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i guess i do deserve this.... bye bye happy days... u.u

mused dettie at 10:15 PM [+]
...

...happy days; please dont fly out the window yet. not yet. please.

mused dettie at 7:35 PM [+]
...

perky perky perky.
another dance class today. and ive been wearing a santa hat since, yesterday! and ya... mr marchuck [the gym teacher] was calling me santa. nad yes i was perked so i was all giggly and things... then i said 'presents for all the kiddies who've been good. mr marchuck? have you been good?' then there was silence... then i said 'oooh mr marchuck's been naughty~' lol then there was just this silence... [dont get me wrong my class is ussually annoyingly loud] but it decided to be quiet just for that frickin moment... [and mr marchuck was inexplicably turning bright red.] then he said 'no, ive been good this year' miranda and i were just laughing our hearts out in our own little corner... and yes. everyone knows me as the corner girl now. hahahah~ then there was this thing with mr macready... ahahaa now everyone looks at me weird everytime i say something... god im too opinionated for my own good. 'ya know burn, you should learn when to talk, and when to shut up.' how many times do i have to ehar that to learn? i tink mr macready got pissed off. muhehe

mused dettie at 10:58 PM [+]
...

people have too much guy issues. i dotn get it. gooood! check here for... oops never mind. just check my xanga. i complained a bit... abotu girls and ya guy issues... ya know teh works its short. but anyway.... im going to sleep.

mused dettie at 10:58 PM [+]
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i feel so good~ god. im so happy. i thank the heavens for lifting me up! charmy's right, i will eventually. i didnt know it'd be today... but it sure feels great to feel normal again. i didnt know id feel this good ever again. im not so happy... but atleast i dont feel like crap... and that's all im asking for. im so happy that im feeling fine.

i got eaten by a worm, hung out in the worm's belly with the worm's daughter while the worm talked to us people in her belly. the daughter got a paintball gun frenzy... and i assembled cars in the wormie's belly. she ate lotsa thingies~ hot wheels!!! then, she said she'd dump us in the you-know-where soon... so i made a submarine instead~ then i jumped in the digestive acids and i mutated into a shrimp... and i wiggled around... then i swam back in the acid, then i became the superman woman!!! we went swimming in the toilet bowl after muhehe... then the brother talked to us and she just had to rub in the fact that theyre having some *beep* for dinner. damn you "brother"!!! >< dont be confused. trish is the daughter... charmy's the father, charisse is the brother... and im the neighbor. muhehe... [i proclaimed myself as the neighbor] anyway; it was incredibly silly... but i was smiling... then i was laughing short laughs. then i was really laughing. i went upstairs early... i still couldnt sleep; but atleast i wasnt too miserable. i couldnt sleep cause i just couldnt. not for some damned depressing reason. i feel so so special again. i feel human. i feel loved, appreciated. still, not by people around me here, at home... but my friends. yes. yes trish they are my friends. thankyou so much for helping me see that... ur right. i just didnt want to accept the fact that i do have friends... maybe i was just too scared. or maybe i was just too busy moping about my crap... but thank you so much. ^^ i feel so left out. kids are helping me out. im like older than any of you three... ya the twisted family tree of a father a daughter and a brother... hahah god i love you guys so much! and charmy~ waaah ur like my bestest friend in the planet... u always make me dig deep...and scrummage thru the overpiled junk in my head~ aaaah! i love you!!!! matt; ya u matt... u too! thankyou so much. youre not the matt i used to know. and im not complaining. uve been so nice to me... i appreciate it... i do... alot. sure i dont get u sumtimes, but i love you anyway... charisse! u crazy kid!!!! omg... i dunno why i even appreciate u! jk! ur great~ u always make me laugh... even when the mood isnt right... and u make me appreciate music. yea~ even the hippie ones >>**im eyeing trish cause she said long long ago 'dette u listen to hippie songs too like charisse'** hanna~~ wahhh i love you!!! grabe... buti na lang kinukulit mo utak ko... super bait! waaah! pj; bwisit ka sa buhay ko, kaya nmn mahal kita eh! bwisit ka talaga... maaaaark! wala lang! **pinches cheeks** ingat lagi tol! kakampihan sana kita kaso bespren ko hashbrown mo eh... kaya kakampi kita lol jk charmy! lol malabo pero basta... gets nyo na yun... ate leeeek!!!!!!!! waaaaah!!!! grabe~~~ aylabyoo! miss na kita~ sorry kung di kita nakausap sa aim nun minsan... [mejo sira araw ko eh] pero basta~ alam mo na mahal kita!!! mitchie!!!! tenkyu sa layout mo!!! sensya na... di ko magamit gamit... di ko kase alam kung pano aanga anga kasi ako eh... pero grabe.,.. aylabyoo! gela, sorry! wala na kong panahong gumawa ng isa pang article...sorry! nyawie!!! wow!! uuwi na momk mo!!! ppunta ka ba ng edm? kasi 3 hr drive lang yun from here... ayain ko yung mga tao ni miranda.. ddayuhin ka namin!!! waaah!!! nawala yung layout na bigay mo saken... di ko pa nmn nappicturan u.u basta mahgal ko kayong lahat!! may idadagdag pa ko kaso tinatamad na ko eh ><

mused dettie at 11:00 PM [+]
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ladidaa- ladidaa~
buggin' you~ is easy cause youre buggable~ LOL

mused dettie at 11:00 PM [+]
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did i get all my groups and crap right? ><
i love this layout~ sign my guestbook it's the ...advocate thingamajig. im all better now. talking about silly things with trish and charmy...and charisse. fun fun.

charmy and mark... 2 months and counting. damn u 2 are special. much love!!!!! weee~~~~

mused dettie at 9:19 PM [+]
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im gonna cry... im gonna cry... i dont know what happened... but my pretty blue layout is gooone. damn... im so so out of serts... aaah~ now i really have to do my layout... but i didnt write my film review yet... and other crap... and im so messed up... and i cant sleep still and im gonna cry... and shit~

mused dettie at 2:30 AM [+]
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shit shit shit shit shit shit life is shit aaah life is so shitty

mused dettie at 1:36 AM [+]
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do you care if i don't know what to say? will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me? will i shake this off, pretend its all okay; that there someone out there who feels just like me?
[i wish] there is

mused dettie at 11:55 PM [+]
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...why does it always take so long to say sorry? i understand perfectly that i have to say sorry to my mom somehow. but its taking too long... how can i say sorry when i dont even know what i've done...? they always hurt me. she always gets mad at me. she always hurts me. i love her too much, it hurts cause she can never see how much pain she's inflicting on me. i dont know; what the hell is wrong with me, or what's the frickin' thing i'm supposed to be frickin' sorry for, but god... i cant take this anymore. she wouldnt talk to me. its been a week. since that night when i heard her say 'no one talk to her.' to everyone here. i was in the kitchen, getting a drink. she thought i didnt hear her... i heard. i heard all the other things they had to say about me. does it matter if theyre hurting me? i dont think it does. it doesnt.

i got a good kick off of someone else's medicine these past days. weeks... months... i cant remember anymore. all i know is, one day i feel like shit, the next i assume it went away... i'd tell myself that everything's taking a good turn. everything'd get better from now on. then all of a sudden, i just get this urge to cry again, i feel like im watching everything crumble down, everything's falling apart and i want to scream for help. but i cant... and i feel like my mind's gonna blow from trying too much to figure out my issues... but no one cares. everyone doesnt care... all they do is assume it'll pass sooner or later. all they do is pretend they know me; and tell me what should go on in my head. they tell me i could always count on them... that i could always speak out my thoughts... i could always have the freedom to express my self. all lies. screw them all! they never understand. when i start talking, they give me stern looks. is it my fault to feel this way? everyone thinks i dont haev a reason to be angry at the world. i feel so small. i dont want any of this. dont get me wrong, other people probably have it worse than me, i feel like, i dont have the right to feel this way because other people have it worse. but i feel this way anyway. why? they trample my emotions. they tell me to be thankful of what i have instead of wanting more. i dont want more. i dont want more! all of these things theyre making me be thankful for, i am thankful of them, but these things arent what i want! i dont want any of this! why cant they just let me be? i dont know why i feel this way about everything... i dont understand anything. nothing matters to me anymore. dont ask me to give reasons i dont have. just let me be. stop pretending you know me. stop! its not helping. and you people assuming things i want, stop it... did anyone ask me what i want? oh sure; you asked me alright... ask me. did you listen? no! you took me here anyway. i dont want to stay! i wanna... i wanna run away... and eventually die.

do you realize how miserable i am? do you? i grew up fending for myself. i grew up with myself for myself. now youre all forcing yourselves in my system? you dont belong there! you're all just making everything worse than they already are. so if your idea of help and understanding is screwing everything up; everything i stand for and everything that holds me together... taking me away from the things and people i care about, thanks, but no thanks. NO THANKS.

do any of you know that i dont sleep? do you know i cry a lot? do you know that people at school thinks im killing myself? do you realize how much strain it is for me to just speak? im always scared of hurting you. im always scared of saying something that might offend and hurt you. but do you care?: do you care if you say shit about me? you think i cant hear you? i hear every word you throw at me behind my back! god. if you plan on killing me, thank god. you're just great. im slowly dying. im slowly dying cause of the pain. im so sorry if i never was good enough. im so sorry, if all my efforts dont match your expectations. sorry if i get bad grades. do you realize though that i dont get good grades cause you wont let me? i have to do a project at someoen else's place, you say no, and if i fail you bitch at me... sorry if i dont seem to listen. its just that everytime you say something it hurts me. i dont want to listen anymore. maybe i do. its just that everything hurts me, and i dont want to get hurt. do you realize that i hurt myself? just in little ways, but youre not perceptive, and it doesnt matter if you know or you dont. i dont want you to bitch at me about it. do u realize that i try to kill myself with a cold shower? did any of you see the way i examine knives? no. why would you? you never see anything! all you hear or see are the things you want to see and hear! and you complain that you cant reach out! you tell me i should push everyone out! you tell me i should make more effort to fit in!!! do you know that im too scared to consider anyone as a friend now? do you know that i push everyone who likes me away? do you realize that??? do you? never mind. im wasting my life trying to make sense of your actions. now that i look back... i realize how miserable everything is toward me. i find myself laughing, being hearty and feeling good if only for a while. 15 minutes later, someone ruins everything, one way or another. everyday that ever came; i finally get sleepy, and the alarm clock rings. it triggers a whole new set of minor tragedies that add up to major pain. i get to school, walk on, dragging my feet... trying to be invisible. but everyone sees me anyway. i wish everyone makes fun of me and i'll use that as an excuse to kill myself. maybe that way they wont say how ungrateful i am. but no matter how i look at it... everyone would think how ungrateful i am. i need to accept reality.

im scared. i forgot how to care and i forgot how to love. i realized that, and i felt sick. how could i forget? and i used to think those 2 things will somehow make me get over all the crap i have to deal with... but its all different now. i just realized i pushed everyone away. and the term 'anti-social' isnt just a term anymore. it's became my persona, and i didnt even realize it was eating me alive. i realized i didnt have any real friends. i realized i dont consider anyonre special, and i tell people theyre special automatically, not really meaning it. i feel so empty. and i just realized ive felt so empty cause i am. im hollow. if this diary is too messed up; and it seems like everything in it is miserable... cause everything is. and what's worse, i feel like if i talk or rant or write or what ever about how i feel, im making everyone else miserable. they either feel sorry for me... or they feel like i need help. maybe. i talked to trish to make her feel better last night. and when i was acctuaslly talking to her, it looked to me that i just am dumping my junk on her... im making it worse. i just kept going about how miserable my life is.. and we just kept telling eaach other about how miserable other people are. theyre making us miserable that's why theyre miserable. i was gonna tell her that everything'd be ok. that things would work out. but i know that would be a lie. instead we talked about miserable life. and people who pretend they understand. and i said im sorry for not doing my real goal... and i admit that 'i couldnt help you deal cause i just realized i couldnt deal with my crap either.'
i make everything worse.
i wanna cry. but it feels like ive cried enough this whole week, that i couldnt cry anymore. scream. ive been holding up this scream for the longest time... and i dont want it to get out. but its killing me. i dont know what'd come out if i scream. and if i hurt people, im sorry. im sorry im me. im sorry i exist this way... im sorry... for everything that i should be sorry for... please stop hurting me. please... stop. i couldnt handle more pain.

i dont know what's wrong and right anymore. it seems ive forgotten everything. i agree to things. without a thought. '...ok.' is easier than saying no. i dont want to say no anymore. saying no requires you to give a reason. but what if i really wanted to say no? its not like anyone gives a shit for what i really feel. as long as they get what they want or need from me. am i so bad? i dont feel anything. no more. am i too pent up on my misery that i cant handle anything else besides it? im gonna say its all because of me. because i feel like its ALL because of ME. im gonna say that its all because of me... all because of me... all because of me... because they make me believe that they always say my best interests are in mind. maybe thats why i hate everything else. maybe that's why i hate me. im confused. i dont really know what i really want... cause they always force the wrong information in my brain. i feel so small. so insignificant. i could blame them all for it. i could blame them all for everything. but i cant really change anything. nothing matters. if only wiping the tears away could make everything go away. if only this is just about the tears... if only this is just the tears that come and go... if only.

is it wrong to think that everything would be better without everyone else? everyone makes me feel small. insignificant. inferior to everyone else. they force talents in me that i dont have. and they insult the talents that i try to hone. everyone made me feel ashamed of who i am, of the things i like, the things that matter to me. they laugh at me. and theyre considered my family? spare me. i feel so bad about myself. i feel bitter. i feel hollow. i feel empty. i dont know what i feel anymore. nothing's real. how can i tell if my anger is real? if my thoughts and feelings are real? i was learned to believe that real things are the only things that matter. everything's ruined. i couldnt feel. couldnt think? im nothing. im a hollow shell that gets up in the morning and goes through the day. i wish the thought that caring and love are the things that make a person, a person wasnt etched in my brain... then maybe i wont feel so awful as to feel the way i do. maybe i wont feel so worthless. maybe i'd feel more like a person.

i tried to erase the misery and pain. but instead they remain etched in my memory. my heart. if i still have a heart. why am i so cold? why am i so distant? they always ask me. why i always push everyone away... because i cant tell which is real and which isnt! i cant tell which feelings in me are true. i cant tell if im happy... if im truly happy... i cant tell the difference from pretending to be happy and being truly happy. i lie. to myself, and to everyone else. i say im fine. im not. im not... i avoid expressing my feelings. no matter how frustrated i am... how angry... i keep it all to myself. i laugh, smile, and speak like a normal person would. i react. but its all automatic. im almost as good as a robot. its almost as if i programmed myself to be normal while deep in me... im the biggest wreck. and i say im fine. obviously, im not.

they told me that i dwell in the past. can they blame me? i was a child! a child. i was just a kid trying to find a way out. and they tell me i should forgive my dfad? he ruined everything. besides physically hurting me, he wrecked my dreams. how can i rebuild all my dreams mom? how? theyre all gone. why are you forcing me to make up with him? it might be easier if his efforts are real. thyre not mom. you should be able to tell by now. or have you been gone too long that you got yourself blind? mom, please, i dont mean to be unkind. its just that way. i hate him. mom... why do you hurt me too much? you always told us we could always be open. why wont you let me be then? now i dont want to open up even if youre forcing me to. its too late. when you read my diary... and assumed things... it hurt me more than you could ever tell. you never did understand. now everytime you say something, its always got something to do with that journal you read. and everytime you do that it sends a sharp pang. it just reminds me of how painful it is to love. if only i could hate you. but youre my mom and i love you so much. it hurts me too much. and i dont want to love anyone anymore. i kept the feeling at bay for so long... i forgot it existed. now, i dont know how to feel. you never care... all my words, i carefully watch everything i say. im scared, that soemhow, i might say something that would hurt you. but you hurt me anyway. sometimes i wonder why i even bother. you nevr do, so why should i? you hurt me anyway. you hurt me. and you take away my right to feel angry. i know that other people have it worse than me. i know that. but that doesnt mean you should stop me from feeling. now that i dont know how to feel anything else but pain and anger... what's good of me? i dont feel like a person. im a faker. im a person who cant tell what's real and what isnt. i dont remember which feelings are real.. which feelings are good. i acctually think im feeling better... but everytime that happens.. someone would always come to push me back down. i want to appreciate life. but you took away my reasons. i lost everything. nothing matters now... and i cant even blame you. i cant blame the people who caused all this. so, i'm supposed to blame someone. so its all because of me. yeah... that's what you all say. i never try. if you only knew how hard i tried! i got tired of trying... i was the only one trying when no one else would. can you tell how hard it was for a little girl? a little girl to try and survive a grown up world cause no one would help her? i used to feel smart. i used to feel that somehow, i'll be proud of myself, and i'll do great things. but now its all gone. im like a broken toy. a lifeless doll. i used to call on everyone to help me... i used to ask for help... i was sinking. now that ive sunk... you try to bring me back? its too late for effort now. im not a little girl. ive grown and i managed to get all the new room in me filled with more despair. why? cause u cause me too much of it! you cant pull me back up. ive built lots of walls. enough to keep everyone else out. so pelase... dont hurt me anymore... im not a little girl anymore. i cant make believe that this will end someday. ive grown... and i learnt more than what i used to know. please stop hurting me... i keep begging... but do you care? no one cares. cause my feeling doesnt matter right? yes. i dont matter... im as good as a lifeless doll. a broken down lifeless doll. a broken lifeless battered doll.

am i so awful? am i so awful to feel this way? i feel like crap. but does it matter?

mused dettie at 5:14 PM [+]
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layout progress is too delayed. im so sorry!

its mitchie's birthday! yay her!!!!! ty for the sample layout btw; only, my brain's messed up right now, and im so blank. i cant use it. yet. ><

mused dettie at 10:03 PM [+]
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im miserable. stupid diary.

mused dettie at 10:17 PM [+]
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here here! im trying really hard on the layout im doing ok? please gimme a break! yesterday, had fun with these preps at school. we were burning paper; and they looked at us weird. then the one in pink finally saked 'what are you doing?' and we answered plain and simple, 'burning paper...' then they both ask a stupid question. 'why?' i said 'its fire' then they eye us weird again then the one in pink said 'damn pyro's' then they walk on. while they were walking thou, mc said 'well its cheaper than smoking...' [note that the girl in pink was smoking at the moment] the girl in pink stops turns around and takes about 3 steps back toward us. stops again and just glares at us. well, no offense... does she really expect us to be terrified? for chrissakes! she's in pink! i had to finish my project last night. mc and ash were supposed to help me, they didnt... and mc was... aaaaah!

mused dettie at 8:34 PM [+]
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RANT: i worked for hours on that frickin project for math. they didnt help me! i practically had to do most of it. u.u funny things happened. and i can never be normal again. not like i ever was, but i figured im worse. way worse. of all the times to be grounded, charmy had to be grounded now... i need to talk. u.u im not working on the layout today. someone should help me with the frams cause i dont want my splash page being cluttered. i mean... i have loads of crap planned... ergo, band profiles and shit... the group blog, my blog, other linkies~ u.u im so damn tired of everything...

mused dettie at 10:53 PM [+]
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someone should take the band pics... im too cluttered ryt now. i have 2 major english projects to do, a major math one, which is a model.. [and just so u know i suck at models] coding is getting by pretty slow, aaaahrg~ i sure wish things would clear up soon... i sop need help!

mused dettie at 10:37 AM [+]
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