...all i want is you.

-- Thursday, October 31, 2002 --

FIAC(fuh-ya-see) n.acronym for mark's band, final insults and curses.
fiac(fuh-ya-see) n.acronym for dette's[imaginary] band, final insights after casualities.

i try to get occupied with something today... but... im lost.
bee.. called last night. ya, i needed consoling... and his call consoled me. matt really got me off the hook. i thought bee was gone. now, i dunno where i stand. bee's call... he was still thinking of how i am, but he's too busy and no calls were allowed at the dorm. he'll be off to florida sometime soon... more distance? more uncertainty. haaay. maybe it wouldve been easier if he got the email after all. all the emotional outbursts were wasted. im lost. find me...

some disembodied sighs might be suitable somewhere here.

mused dettie at 10:51 AM [+]
...

...bee called. last night.


Which tarot card are you?

mused dettie at 6:35 AM [+]
...

here's a way to get rid of that awry mood i got myself into. STICK PEOPLE!

mused dettie at 8:57 PM [+]
...

"Motivate me, I wanna get myself out of this bed.
Captivate me, I want good thoughts inside of my head.
When I fall down would you come 'round and pick me right up off the ground?"

wow. and charmy said he aint mad. what am i s'posed to call that then? he is mad. i knew it. i knew it. i knew it. ok, so he isnt mad, he resents me. fine. its ok. it doesnt matter. like, it mattered anyway... like i care. ya. like i care... ya, like u care... like u ever did. like i ever mattered. ya. whatever then... fine.

"But I never said that everything would be ok...
And I never said that we would live to see another day..."

...this is awful. fine! i hate u too! FINE!

mused dettie at 7:53 PM [+]
...

hmmm..... another bionic hand girl entry... im getting lazy. ladidaa~~~ oooh... i wanna see parokyaaaa~~~~~

"...and it sucks to face the truth that i aint got no reasons too, whenever asked the simple question, 'why i feel the way i do' and i know its stupid on my part to say that i love you. even though i know u hate me and u dont know why u do.........--"
sampip --parokya ni edgar

mused dettie at 11:24 AM [+]
...

my day was bad. [understatement of the year]

mused dettie at 6:20 PM [+]
...

We're at the top of the world, you and I. We've got alot of time and it sure feels right. Cause you reached in your pocket and pulled out a pass that says you can take me anywhere. Sha la la la. Sha la la la la la la. We're on the top of the world, here tonight. We've got alot of time and it sure feels right. Cause I'm up here running behind you. I'm up here running in repeat.

mused dettie at 5:51 PM [+]
...

**...hops all about** maaga pa pala... daylight saving time in effect... i didnt set my clock... ang aga ko tuloy nagising... >.<

mused dettie at 11:30 AM [+]
...

hahah... i got the logs..... id put up emails too kaso i dont have them eh. i mean, 'why would i keep them?' hahahaha.... charmy's out of reach lately. she's always lost. and i thought i was the lost one. its all good charmy.

mused dettie at 7:19 PM [+]
...

i think im getting sick again altogether. i dunno... i'd be laughin' my heart out one minute, id be at the verge of crying the next. then id space out. then cry. then start getting frustrated. its so sad. its scary. anyway, no worries. im ok. i know ive been a real pain recently. slacking off, not doing chores and bitching all the time. i dont really mean to. thats why i want to spend as much time at school as possible. i end up hurting my mom more... **sigh** my mom's pregnancy's complicated. i dunno. i act like i dont care but its bugging me. my little sister's getting all stressed out already and she's not even born yet. maybe that's what happened to me? come on. she was 19, college student... and she;'s pregnant. do you think she wouldnt stress and be emotionally depressed? definitely. no wonder im messed up.

i saw my rough of azeya today. yupp. i never got to find myself working on it. oh well. it doesnt matter anymore. i lost my muse. eek. charisse's birthday yesterday. happy birthday you. have it great~ i wish someone gets me a journal too. u.u

top secret. there's an extensive bionic handed girl entry.

mused dettie at 11:55 PM [+]
...

what the... ate lek's place is blaaaack. i messed up. >.< more journal-ish post later. just have me fix tthis

mused dettie at 7:20 PM [+]
...

something really funny... lol. nah. not here. someone might think im being a bitch. i just find it funny.

mused dettie at 5:30 PM [+]
...

ok. honestly... the most interesting blog entries are the undescribably random ones. i was searching for parokya things. yes, yes. parokya ni edgar AGAIN... spare me for God's sakes... so, what i did... i just typed a bunch of words... then boom i got a bunch of results. yahoo search is the second greatest thing... after google.
then i stumbled on this linkie thing... if the site owner's readin' this... hell.. gotta say, 'dude, ur site rox0rz~!' feh. i just accidentally closed it. must find it again!!!!!!!!!!!

mused dettie at 10:46 PM [+]
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ate lek's design. i'll work on my redefinition things... like the linkies and stuff. right now, im too lazy~

mused dettie at 10:13 PM [+]
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...i have nothing to say. oh~ ate lek aylabyoo!! thanks sa layout. i'll upload mamaya sa bahay pag uwi ko...

mused dettie at 11:18 AM [+]
...

i feel so messed up. well, i felt so sick the entire day till i got some caffeine on me. so i felt like hurling over from period 1, till after lunch, and i finished the math test early, so miranda and i got some coffee.... then i was fine. the sick feeling in my stomach went away after a few minutes, and my shiverring went away.

mused dettie at 6:55 PM [+]
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What Inuyasha Character are you?

mused dettie at 11:43 AM [+]
...

43.75 %

My weblog owns 43.75 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

mused dettie at 7:58 AM [+]
...

I AM NOT SENDING THE LETTER.

i know charmy, u told me i have nothing to lose if i do. i know that, but, well, i just dont have the guts to do it. i dont know, i feel so lost. i couldn't make myself send it. i feel awful and all, but i never did have the power to express myself and get known. i never did, i never will. but if he doesnt believe you if you do show it to him for me, just say you made that letter yourself, and dont insist that its from me. if he accuses you of things, just say yes, and if he talks shit about how i was too bitchy and all say i was.

mused dettie at 9:51 PM [+]
...

there are days when you just feel plain awful about yourself. maybe it all starts off as feeling awful about everything that surrounds you. but then it grows... i dont know how i got here. here, where i am right now. it all started as just another awful week. i thought its all good. the day was bad. ussually i get over it right away... i thought i got over those things, but this one day came, and i just had to scream. but i cant. i couldnt handle it anymore. i kept saying no more... but everything kept coming, and i wasnt able to handle all these things. it didnt matter at first, but i got too much, and everything overwhelmed me with such great intensity, its surreal. i fell apart, i cried.

i drowned myself in coffee at school so i could keep up. before i knew it, im broke. i spent all my money... even the amount i supposedly was saving... i havent been eating nor sleeping well. i wasnt allowed to call anyone. i couldnt even try to call anyone even if i wanted to. i had no card, no nothing. i was angry at the world. i wanted to get out of here. i had a packed week. i had to be home later than ussual everyday... my father was growing from being a major pain... to an even greater pain. my mom was always depressed. my mom wont quit at me. people at school pressuring me to move to pure, they moved me to pure even if i didnt want to. its hell. its chaos. ive been mean to mostly everyone at school, even if i didnt intend to. i guess the week's really been getting to me... im not the mean type. but i was being all bitchy at everyone. if that wasnt anything good... you think. i feel awful. i feel bad. i feel horrible.

im so sorry. i know im seriously in deep with so much mess... i know it doesnt give me the right to be mean. im sorry. i didnt mean to be. please understand that things werent going too good for me. i've been finding it hard to deal... all people did was be nice... and how do i show my gratitude? i throw it right at their faces packed with cold hard mean comments of my won. i feel so bad. im sorry. that's all i can say... im sorry. though i know sorry doesnt change the fact that ive been a lousy person. i feel like trash. i feel like ive been extremely awful... and too much trash around me turned me into one myself. sorry. sorry. i dont know... im lost. im sorry... i just dont know how to deal.

mused dettie at 6:11 PM [+]
...

HAVE YOU EVER...
Ever been so drunk you blacked out: ya... 2 or so years ago. blahness.
Missed school coz it was raining: hell no. well, there was one day i was sick and i had to.
Put a body part on fire for amusement: ya... i stuck my finger in candle fire.
Been hurt emotionally: ya...
Kept a secret from someone: ...why ask. everyone does.
Had an imaginary friend: ya. i had loads.
Cried during a movie: yes. im incredibly mushy.
Had a crush on a teacher: ya... but i found out that the sub teach i adored was gay. i was turned off. no offense to gay people, but that was just plain... sick.
Ever thought an animated character was hot: definitely yes.
Had a New Kids on the Block tape: ...what the hell?
Been on stage: yes, and it was scary!
Cut your hair: yes. it was horrible.

FAVORITES...
Shampoo: i dont really have a fave... it doesnt matter much..
Soap: those ones that smell fruity. not the strawberry ones.. the citrus-y ones.
Colors: black, blue
Day/Night: night.
Summer/Winter: winter... but i love autumn more.
Lace or satin: ...am i supposed to care?
Fave cartoon Characters: nitz[undergrads] daria[daria] jane[daria] trent[daria] jen[downtown] snoopy garfield, oddie, battle cat,
Fave Food: ...ice cream, anything with chocolates
Fave Ad: ...
Fave Movies: city of angels. why? i just do.
Fave Ice Cream: cookies and cream! cookie dough! YAY!!!
Fave Subjects: english.

RIGHT NOW...
Wearing: a light gray v-neck shirt that says 'adidas' at the lower end in big huge big bold black letters.... a darker gray sweatpants with whitexgrayxwhite striped side lines.
Hair is: messed up.
I'm feeling: tired, depressed, and sorry in a bad way.
Eating: none.
Drinking: none.
Thinking about: someone i've been mean to. his name? .... need i tell?
Listening to: ayumi h. - wishing.
Talking to: kevin.

IN THE LAST 24 HOURS...
Cried: nope
Wearing: black sleeveless shirt and loose faded blue jeans
Met someone new: this jr. football team kid in math class.
Cleaned your room: nope.
Done laundry: nope.
Drove a car: nope.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN...
Yourself: mostly, no.
Your friends: mostly, yes.
Santa Claus: i did. [past]
Tooth Fairy: nope.
Destiny/Fate: yes. i know, how hopeless am i?
Angels: yes. winged creatures and all.
Ghosts: yes. i have weird interest on paranormal things.
UFO's: yes.

FRIENDS AND LIFE...
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: had.
Like anyone?: i dont think so.
Who's the loudest: miranda.
Who's the shyest: me and laura.
Who's the weirdest: ME!
Who do you go to for advice: charmy, ate lek, charisse, patty, and ate angel, nikki. ate gem, shea, kay, tita gladys.
Who do you cry to?: browen. myself.
When did you cry the most: in a span of a few months... mid april - early august.
What's the best feeling in the world: when someone lets you know they care, and theyre finding it hard to find the right words to say... and they're not being their ussual self. its like, theyre hopelessly lost somewhere... and its something they didnt expect nor plan. i think its hopelessly romantic.
Worst feeling: what im feeling right now. overwhelmed. depressed. angry. sorry. sad. alone. lost. >.<

i found this here

ya, well here's one.

hug from behind - you like to feel what the other person is feeling and see things how they see them. you tend to be serious and emotional <What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

mused dettie at 12:59 AM [+]
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...i can't take this anymore.

it's all good.

mused dettie at 6:00 PM [+]
...

he's starting again. he's starting again. he's starting again! ass ass ass!!!!!!! i hate him!!! i hate him!!!! i hate him!!!!!

mused dettie at 7:42 AM [+]
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i like pw protected url's. but i have no time to know how to use the templates thing. >.< it's all good.

mused dettie at 6:59 AM [+]
...

Which Final Fantasy I character might you be?
created by kefkafanatic @ mental insanity

nawawala dumarating,
di ko manlang napapansin...
nawawala dumarating...
eto na naman!!!
nanjan ka lang pala.
bakit di ka manlang nagsasalita?
akala ko'y tuluyan ka na lamang nawala.
kaytagal ko nang naghihintay sayo.
anong pangalan mo? sana'y palagi ka na lang nanjan sa tabi ko....

nanjan, by parokya ni edgar. wala lang. losing myself and all that shit.

mused dettie at 11:12 PM [+]
...

since this morning, i just had this urge to post... '...if i fail, i fail in style.' on people's guestbooks. i dont really know if i shhould say sorry for it. i mean, really, there's no harm done. **grin** ranting out.

mused dettie at 7:50 PM [+]
...

since this morning, i just had this urge to post... '...if i fail, i fail in style.' on people's guestbooks. i dont really know if i shhould say sorry for it. i mean, really, there's no harm done. **grin** ranting out.

mused dettie at 7:50 PM [+]
...

WARNING!!!
don't read. if you do,
READ AT YOUR OWN COST!

***i warned you...***

this sucks.

im sorry everyone. im sorry for being such a brat about things like what was in this slot a few hours ago. i have no idea why i did it... maybe for a plain reason i've had enough. promise i wouldn't give you guys shit like that. from now on. i have a personal personal journal~ **yay me...** one of these days, certain people will get an email from me giving a reader acct with a pw, but they should let me know first. i wouldn't want to give people access to my shit when they dont want it. otherwiselet me know if you do, just so not 'everyome' would have to deal with things like these without interest. let me know if u have interest in my crappy life. more like the stuff that used to be here. i'm having a shitty life as of now... but happy thoughts would mostly be here. i cant promise i wont post anything emotionally depressing here... that's just how i am. but i am ppretty much sure, it would be less than i ussually do. yey~! people are acctually happy for me. thankyous!

mused dettie at 10:24 AM [+]
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this is a test.

mused dettie at 11:26 PM [+]
...

Which Element Represents You?
created by kefkafanatic @ mental insanity

I'm Logan
What X-Men Character are You? .

mused dettie at 10:49 AM [+]
...

im ok. my cuzins are watching hamtaro... its scary....

im so tired. i havent done any of my english articles yet... and i didnt do any of my computer work stuff. >.< aaaaah~~~~~ im so tired.

mused dettie at 3:39 PM [+]
...

feh... more inuyasha. inuyasha's always jealous. he thinks lahat ng na-mimeet ni kagome ay mahal ni kagome. he pairs kagome up with mostly every guy they meet, then -magagalit sha... he doesn't like saying sorry. if he does, its for something major to him. he tries to hide his soft side. inuyasha... **haaaay**

we'll be at gramma's tonight. thanksgiving celeb. well, thanksgiving's for tomorrow right? i dunno. im too tired. last night, my mom bblow me off again. i watched inuyasha all day, then blogged... then watched more inuyasha.... she got angry. oh well... then the jack-ass started to interfere. he's such an ass. fuck him!!!! i hate him so much. i dont care what you say so stop irritating me with ur voice!!!! damn you!!!!! dont think i've mellowed down. i hate you!!!!

mused dettie at 6:14 PM [+]
...

1 minute ago: i was thinking of inuyasha
1 hour ago: reading charmy's blog.
1 day ago: i didnt go to school and i missed the fine arts meeting.
1 year ago: i lost contact with my friends back home.
Words to describe the situation now: wander. lost. longing. alone. cold. distant. reminder. distance. stress. tired. sadness. depression. confusion. hate. anger. hopeless...
Things I want: the truth. no more jokes. no more mind games. no more mental puzzles. no more mood swings... ice cream... student council office... new discman... my band people's CD's... meet my old friends... back home... ice cream... sleep... more sleep. daria reruns... phone talks....
Songs I listen to: right now? the clique- good charlotte, sincerely me- new found glory
Things accomplished: yearbook committee... managed more depression... got through the week. getting better from the frickin' 3 week sick days..
Windows open: mIRC, blog edit page, [duh] Windows Media Player, yewneeklek.com.
Things around the computer: my blue mug, speakers, the chordless phone, a mic, the mouse/mouse pad, my keys...
Thoughts of now:imuyasha person.
E-mails: spam, and crappy junk mails...
Lyrics: "Some people laugh... They do it just to spite me. Behind my back, they do not know what I see... But I don't care what they say, I don't need them anyway... I'll just go about my day...--"'[the clique, good charlotte]
Random: screaming a stifled cry for help..
Spell your name backwards: atsoca yoj ettedanreb >.>
Where do you live: Calgary, AB, Canada.
Describe yourself in three words: lost, confused, depressed, disorriented, tired, insane
Who is your worst enemy? nanda? majority of this world's population.
If you could have ANY animal for a pet, what would it be? a dog.
Do you know what a spork is? i remember charisse telling me it's a spoon/fork thing..
What is the latest you've ever stayed up? ...not sleeping at all?
Ever been to belgium? no. i dont care.
Toothbrush? a blue colgate brush thing...
Jewelry worn daily: Earings...
Shoes: one pair of white runners that acctually fit me.
Nail polish: I don't wear nail polish...
Handbag: i do not do handbags..
Perfume: Tommy girl...
CD in stereo right now: first love, utada hikaru
Tattoos: None... does it matter?
Piercings: ear piercings..
Current music: j-pop
Wearing: jeans, a white shirt, no socks.
Hair: deep black with streaks of gray... neck length, wash and wear cut, with some layers to it.
Makeup: i dont do make up.
In my mouth: nothing
In my head: nothing.
Hearing: give me a reason - utada hikaru
Wishing: im loved...
After this: watch more inuyasha....

i did this survey again... compare it with my other answers from past blogs....

mused dettie at 10:24 PM [+]
...

i edited the links... blah... more band/artist links when i feel like moping. punch me, someone. i so need to snap out of it.

i cant stop thinking of inuyasha... **blink** i just typed that... i--...just--... typed that!!!! no!!!!! everyone thinks he likes me, he doesnt! omg... people keep saying it, its rubbing off of me. ..> i know better.

someone punch me!!!!




plugging the song the the cllique by good charlotte. why? just that, i so can erlate.

mused dettie at 9:36 PM [+]
...

i don't matter. that's it. it's all that. i tried to keep myself occupied all day by watching inuyasha... pity.

i was staring at the tv blankly, and its already night time. i was nibbling at a muffin, then out of the blue, i laughed.
inuyasha's a hanyou. a half human, half monster. he got sealed up by kikyo years ago cause she thought he betrayed him, but he didnt really because they were both--[gyaaah spoiler] well, inuyasha... he's mean, and dense, and he never seemed to care. but then, he really loved kikyo, the miko protecting the shikon no tama. they end up killing each other, well, kikyo just sealed up inuyasha.... so, 50 yrs later, kagome [a girl from the future who returned to the feudal age thru a well at their shrine home and is the reincarnation of kikyo] released the seal, and things happened that made the shikon no tama to shatter. [gyaaah spoiler~] well... back to inuyasha... he reminds me of someone. there are certain times that he shows kagome he cares, then denies it. he confuses kagome, and he can switch from being nice, and being a total jack-ass in 10 secs flat... he hates being all romantical, and denies caring, but he's a great person. [sort of, he's half human afterall] he pushes everyone away. he hurt kagome's feelings when he pushed her away... in some ways, he really reminds me of someone. but not entirely....inuyasha's sweet in weird ways... him, well, he's just distant. and inuyasha cared for kagome. him well... you get the picture. this sucks. i feel like crying again. damn you pj getting me involved between u and angie!!!! feh~.... deal with it!!!!!

mused dettie at 8:38 PM [+]
...

i don't matter. that's it. it's all that. i tried to keep myself occupied all day by watching inuyasha... pity.

i was staring at the tv blankly, and its already night time. i was nibbling at a muffin, then out of the blue, i laughed.
inuyasha's a hanyou. a half human, half monster. he got sealed up by kikyo years ago cause she thought he betrayed him, but he didnt really because they were both--[gyaaah spoiler] well, inuyasha... he's mean, and dense, and he never seemed to care. but then, he really loved kikyo, the miko protecting the shikon no tama. they end up killing each other, well, kikyo just sealed up inuyasha.... so, 50 yrs later, kagome [a girl from the future who returned to the feudal age thru a well at their shrine home and is the reincarnation of kikyo] released the seal, and things happened that made the shikon no tama to shatter. [gyaaah spoiler~] well... back to inuyasha... he reminds me of someone. there are certain times that he shows kagome he cares, then denies it. he confuses kagome, and he can switch from being nice, and being a total jack-ass in 10 secs flat... he hates being all romantical, and denies caring, but he's a great person. [sort of, he's half human afterall] he pushes everyone away. he hurt kagome's feelings when he pushed her away... in some ways, he really reminds me of someone. but not entirely....inuyasha's sweet in weird ways... him, well, he's just distant. and inuyasha cared for kagome. him well... you get the picture. this sucks. i feel like crying again. damn you pj getting me involved between u and angie!!!! feh~.... deal with it!!!!!

mused dettie at 8:36 PM [+]
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omg! i just found out it's a frickin' long weekend!!!!! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!

mused dettie at 9:57 PM [+]
...

some hell shit. i was so stressed out over that new math unit quiz. hehehehehe... im pathetic. oh, this shitty day... i wanna cry.

mused dettie at 8:47 PM [+]
...

it was miserably cold, and after ages of short entries on the other place, i blogged more. nyoo~ wen thinks im mad at him... noo wen i love u!!! lol.. i got mad at the poor mutt last night, and he thinks i hate him. i dunno. i tried to pet him kanina, when i got home, he went toward me, then went zaway,moping kind of. it was funny, but i felt bad. too lazy. more layter maybe.

mused dettie at 6:26 PM [+]
...

...give some people what they deserve.
and in one flash you turn a hero.
what will u do if they start giving you
the credit you dont deserve?

what if you see a child there cryin'?
what would you do, what would you say?
would you just walk away and say its nothing
or would you make her day?

[chorus]
isnt it hard to do the right thing?
what do u say?
isnt it hard to find that one thing
when it wouldnt go ur way?
what do u say what do u do?
would u let this find its way to u?
what do u say what do u do?
or would you just let this pass by you?

isnt it hard to deal and fix things
when you cant find what caused them all
would u be man enough to risk at stake?
would you be willing to take a fall?
and if one day you find youre lonesome..
do you know who could you call?
would you just run away and hide some place?
or would you dare and face it all?

[chorus]
isnt it hard to do the right thing?
what do u say?
isnt it hard to find that one thing
when it wouldnt go ur way?
what do u say what do u do?
would u let this find its way to u?
what do u say what do u do?
or would you just let this pass by you?

gave your all but they reject you
maybe ur best aint just enough
but what do u do when they start telling you
how you can change be more tough?

would u just let those people lead you?
would u allow them to rule ur mind?
here's one thing that i can tell you
reality aint so kind!

[chorus](slower)
isnt it hard to do the right thing?
what do u say?
isnt it hard to find that one thing
when it wouldnt go ur way?
what do u say what do u do?
would u let this find its way to u?
what do u say what do u do?
or would you just let this pass by you?
[fade]

ewww... its so lame huh? it doesnt have a title... but give me a break... coz i finished it!!!!

mused dettie at 8:21 PM [+]
...

... i wanted to go to school today, but i didnt. it snowed. about, 10-15 cm's worth of the white stuff. is there by anychance a re-run of the ATENEOxLA SALLE basketball match? i so wanted to see it. **sigh** when you pat a person, it reminds you of a dog? ahahaha... that's the most shallow comment i ever came to in my whole life. from other people, that is. well... that's so dull, and plain. ok, so it is right, but people who say that, they're the kind that dont ussually read between the lines. i feel terrible. it still weirds me out when i have depression moments. that's scary. i mean, in a general wave of normal thoughts, you'd think i should be used to it by now... maybe people arent really meant to get used to depression as they want to, otherwise it wont be a depression moment. i want some ice cream.... more later.... tired.

mused dettie at 4:29 PM [+]
...

....ok i said i wont blog now, but hell. i need to have a way to remember the day i joined the yearbook committee. we had a meeting after school today, and it was fun. i didnt really participate much... i just watched them argue about the theme, and such. i'm still feeling my way around the people, effy, alefe, dee, jess, robyn, ash, and me, and some girl. some people skipped the meeting. whatever...

mrs schiele thinks i'd be in. but i asked her if i have to be in the main show... if you ask me, i'd rather be at the sidelines... like props, or extra... but not an actress or singer or whatever of sorts~ she said 'im not sure yet...' well... i dont care. i'll volunteer at the YMCA too. as a babysitter maybe? whatever... just too kill the days i dont have club meetings. oh, student council... i'd join that too... i heard there's an opening. dont you think im such a dork? ok. whatever... stupid spreadsheet hw. so lame-ass. >.< i was working on it, then my brain just froze. it was so funny. then miranda practically did everything else for me... =Þ the day was so pathetic. but its all good.

im tired from school, and that meeting... but when i got home, i did a whole bunch of chores. god. im so beat. my mom said i wont go to school tomorrow. i'd stay at gramma's. that's ok i guess... my arms are shaking... my fingers were stiff, now theyre stiffer. >.< things cant ever get any better. i'll just drop by people's bloggy's, then, my mom will whizz me off to gramma's. i want to go to school tomorrow. i have a meeting with fine arts. ok, so screw the fact that i have english and math too... and desktop... and gym.... but oh well..... >.>

mused dettie at 8:38 PM [+]
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....ok i said i wont blog now, but hell. i need to have a way to remember the day i joined the yearbook committee. we had a meeting after school today, and it was fun. i didnt really participate much... i'm still feeling my way around the people, effy, alefe, dee, jess, robyn, ash, and me, and some girl. some peopel skipped the meeting. whatever...

mrs schoile think's i'd be in. but i asked her if i have to be in the main show... if you ask me, i'd rather be at the sidelines... like props, or extra... but not an actress or singer or whatever of sorts~ well... i dont care. i'll volunteer at the YMCA too. babysitter maybe? whatever... just too kill the days i dont have club meetings. oh, student council... i'd join that too... i heard there's an opening. dont yuou think im such a dork? ok. stupid spreadsheet hw. so lame-ass. >.< i was working on it, then my brain just froze. it was so funny. then miranda practically did everything else for me... =Þ the day was so pathetic. but its all good.

im tired from school, and that meeting... but when i got home, i did a whole bunch of chores. god. im so beat. my mom said i wont go to school tomorrow. i'd stay at gramma's. that's ok i guess... my arms are shaking... my fingers were stiff, now theyre stiffer. >.< things cant ever get any better. i'll just drop by people's bloggy's, then, my mom will whizz me off to gramma's. i want to go to school tomorrow. i have a meeting with fine arts. ok, so screw the fact that i have english and math too... and desktop... and gym.... but oh well..... >.>

mused dettie at 8:38 PM [+]
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i said last night i'd work on my math hw today...since i have a spare... and such... >.< but i'm not working! it's so sad. oh, this filipino d00d sitting next to me is drawing stick people on the pc,and doing funny things. im not laughing tho. and im supposed to have a really shallow humor. given i laugh at littlest things. maybe im just not in the mood to laugh. im so wasted. i watched dragonball-z last night. its so gay.lol. seiyuu's are lame-ass. and they say its the greatest anime ever! lol.ok fine. its ok. i like it, and its very humorous. but theyre such gaylords. those people who say its the best. obviously theyre just plain wannabe anime fanatics for all i care. and they say i dont know no squat since i dont think its all that. you people are such morons!!!! DBZ is great, but it ISNT all that!!!!! lamers...oh well... i might not blog at home tonight. i'd be busy much. i feel so tired. well, am i not always tired? [say no and you're good as dead] my fingers are stiff... my eyes are watery. i look like im sick again... but weird enough, i dont feel sick. maybe im too tired to feel sick at all. >.< my mom was telling me something this morning... i know im supposed to listen... but then, my mind drifted off to harming almyra... and i wound up not listening at all, then my mom kept talking, but she said, "...are you listening? nakikinig ka ba ha? so i snapped out of it, and felt bad about me. she said i dont care. she might be jailed, cause of those damn stories almyra made up and those moronic co-workers totally fell for it. i dont want to think about it. i'd focus on school shit. but damn!!!!! no matter how much i hate dealing with people, i'd be a social worker when i grow up. [or not, maybe im just telling myself these things as a minor consolation to my worried self] its weird. i pretend that i dont care... and people think i dont really care... then, i dont pretend i dont care, but i dont show i care either, much. but they still think i dont care, or they presume i dont care and im too caught up with myself that i dont care about anything but myself!!!. oh well. if jp finds out i dont care, he'd laugh since i worry too much. shit. i wish i really dont care.... then none of this shit would fuckin' matter. im too tired. i wont keep both blogs as i used to. that damn other site would be dead... err, kind of. im not in a life state to post here, and there kasi. but its fun keeping both... since i get props on that one nyehehehehe...... DETTE!!!! what the hell do u really plan on doing??????

i am such a dork. im the only one who did the merchant of venice homework. i dont really care... i finished it in like, 2 or 3 hours. if that's not dorky enough, during class, i was being all smart alecky and raising my hand a bazillion times and answered every question the teacher threw at us, by the time he called me. then i finished the class work in 2 minutes flat. everyone asked me for answers. im too dorky not to give them my sheet. sides, im too lazy not to. meaning, i'd have to tell them my answers, or help them out... and then they'll think im nice and i wont be mean to them since i really am nice, but they dont have to know that... but i 'd have to be mean and avoid them or they'd bug me more. and im no place to be bugged about stupid things. i'll have lunch. maybe a sandwich or, a cookie... a muffin? whatever! i have to eat. my lips look like im wearing lipstick. >.< damn that's sick. which means i might get sick sometime soon. and i was just sick last week... and ive been sick for 2 weeks! and my cough isnt even better yet. what's more retarded about my life? when will i ever learn to type right...? im too insane. i think i'll fail math. >.> my TA called home, and my mom got mad at me cause she thought my teacher said i was weak in math.>.> duh... then i asked my TA what she told my mom, and she said 'i told your mom youre doing great~' and she told my mom to move me to pure. i DONT want to be moved to pure. [polynomials and factoring is fun though... algebra is easy.] what were doing is easy too... were doing bank rates and such. nothing's killing me... yet i'm dying. what... and people'd say.... ya... suuuure you are... ? how mean. no one really takes me seriously these days... charmy's right.

i still miss someone...[from yesterday's entry]

when a person tells you they dont really read your blog, dont believe them. one friend i have said he doesnt read my blog, and then asked me what something is about.... then denied it. god im so stupid. i didnt catch that till, last night... when charmy said it was weird. lol. so funny... if ur reading this, i know u read my blog!!! and i will never give u the url of that other blog!!!!!!!!! =Þ nice try though...

anyone have a/know of calgaryplanet? it's a community place thing. i dunno. my cuzin, toni, and her brother justin are obssessing over it. after the asianave craze. i dont intend on making a page there... im too lazy. besides, i dont have any time to spend on it. i already spend most of my time reading blogs, and blogging. so there. plus, online comics aren't helping me much about spending my time wisely either. and school is such a pain!!!!! and our frickin' school site is so lame-ass. i shuddve signed up for it. atleast someone would update. its a major waste of webspace and domain. >.> im wasted.

"...i want you to know that, i miss you, i miss you so"
it's all good..... blaaaaaah... and the bell didnt ring yet... >.< what now????

mused dettie at 11:09 AM [+]
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everything seems to be right. me, always ready for fight or flight... laying sleepless every night... you, stuck somewhere... going no where. but i know you're there somehow. maybe i ask why once in a while... maybe i wonder about your smile... maybe i think too much of you maybe you wonder of me too? we're miles apart... i know. but fantasy and reality might dwindle in somehow.

i'm so tired. i think its about time to fix up my closet, [ergo, all the junk in it] so i can frickin lock myself up in there. dressed to kill... lol i remembered the damned middle school grad thing. my mom made me wear a dress... it was so weird. then, kevin 'from my class' was like, "wow, you're not on jeans... that's a first." and the shoes i was wearing were killing me. and my hair was curled at the ends... good thing mom didnt put hairspray... i just washed the crap off my face, when i got to school, and planned on changing, but we had our test right away... that was so gay. >.< merchant of venice...pretty funny. but shit... were wasting too much time on it. i like NFG. i'll put up a site link, when i found a particular site i like. and i might work on a new layout, with graphics this time. if i get to find a decent cute pic. mainly, black and white. maybe pochacco. pochacco!!!! why? just so it'll still be monochromatic, in black...to white hues... pero cutesey parin. i hate being tagged a tomboy. for cryin' out loud! ok... so maybe i do act rough... but... im too clumzy to be a full pledged tomboy u ass! so stop saying it!. and if u plan on saying it, leave it here and not ewastye my inbox space!!! i only have like, 2MB's you know? geez. that's why i have a commentbox, a taggy and a guestbook! i just found out, im out of gum. and im hungry. i didnt have breakfast, i had a snickers bar for lunch, and a bowl of soup when i got home. wow. and i wonder why im skinny. ok... i'll go eat then crash. wish me sleep. i mean, wish me early sleep. kasi i ussually sleep at dawn, or sumthin. btw, kevin, my cuzin, is not punk. he;s just crazy. [whatever... he doesnt know this blog exists.] i'm a bangag-er im a bangag-er~~~~!!!! weee!!bangag. woozy~ nyiiihiihiihii... i like said id practice guitars before i sleep... but i got lazy. im too tired. i spen 2 hours on that shitty english project. >.< omg. it better be wotrth more marks. >.< wow... im like, a good-grade-nazi now. scary. oh, i might visit my old school for real this time. hmmm...oh, noooo~~~ i cant!!!!!! oh ... next week... but what if i die on saturday? or even friday? or thursday? or tomorrow? aaah... dette... you're too paranoid. >.<

mused dettie at 10:10 PM [+]
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...and i have to work on my 'merchant of venice' again. i mean, dont get me wrong, i think w.shakespeare's the greatest genius of lierature... but too much of him, kills!! god, im dying. we're only on act 2; scene 2, and we've spent too much time on it. well, so i think. he said i'm doing really good. i got an 85 on the first unit. that's an A-, or B+... ah whatever.... well, i wish i dont have to take this unit!!!!!! i'd rather skip everything and hop right in to poetry... but then again, i still have to do the film review, the non-fiction, and novel units. i swear, if we spend the whole 2 weeks on that novel... i'd go crazy!!! oh please... spare me. dont worry... im ok. just complaining about school stuff. i came to an understanding that students are meant to whine about school. i miss someone. much. i think im extremely lucky i dont have a friend to lose the way charmy's losing her bestfriend lilya. i just so think its rather scary... losing someone that way. hmmn.... then, i've been scared of everything that's anything these past days, so i guess that doesnt really matter now... it really bugs me how certain people can say certain things and affect other people so much. thing is, other people dont really know if those certain people mean whatever those certain things theyre saying are true. it might be easy to presume they do... but if you do, disappointment would blow you over. aaaaah~~~~ damn bassanio! why the hell did he blow over all his cash, then borrow from antonio? jayzus!

mused dettie at 6:28 PM [+]
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What if I told you
It was all meant to be
Would you believe me,
Would you agree
It's almost that feelin'
That we've met before
So tell me that you don't think I'm crazy
When I tell you love has come and now...
**********
Just tell me how I got this far
Just tell me why you're here and who you are
'Cause every time I look
You're never there
And every time I sleep
You're always there

mused dettie at 10:07 PM [+]
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.....im ok... still. hmmm... this is like, my online journal. my blog, where i put website logs, are on the other site mostly. but this is my journal ^^

mused dettie at 8:46 PM [+]
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im fine... im ok. its all good. ok... i hate this d00d who keeps saying "whatever" he should die.

mused dettie at 4:43 PM [+]
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gloomy days again. i hate it when these days come... cause, sometimes, i just cant take it anymore. i just want to scream and shout, i just want everything to just stop, and i just want to drop dead and be dead in peace. but i cant! OMG... things scare me. i end up saying, "...youre scaring me" often, a little too often. oh god... everything hurts. it's too tiring. everything. is there anything to hold on for? shit. i sound like some desperate freak with nothing to live up for. i... dont have anything to live up for??? have i really gone that way? my god... i dont know what's happening. i guess it's a good thing saying "youre scaring me" gets easily dismissed by just saying, "... i just wanted to say that" in ways so blunt, its almost surreal, yet very plain and simple. math's finally getting better. we're doing rates interests and all that money crap. i dont want to talk about myself anymore... myself isnt coming together these days. seems like i pput up conversations site links, and other stories about things that happen each day, but i dont really elaborate on what i think like i used to. maybe... well... god... this is hard... dismissing things seemed to work for a while... but when they rush in on you... it's overwhelming.... god i wanna cry... omg. immaturity covers up my tracks. am i losing my mind? am i... losing myself again? oh please... i cant take this. i have to find a way to deal... i have a perfectly normal life. my parents arent divorced if anything... i dont have any relationships that im supposed to stress over... im not failing school... my family aint trashing on me... im not on drugs... i dont have friends who'd backstab me... i dont have posers for friends... i have no boyfriend to fuss over, and worry about... no one bullies me... im not sexually molested, in anyway... im not feeling stupid. in fact i feel like a genuine thinker... i have a dog that i love.... and i have great friends who acctually like me for me... and reads of what i think of and not scrutinize me. but why am i like this? shit!!!!! why am i stressing over myself? i am not supposed to stress over my self. why the hell is this happening to me? oh my god... im scaring myself... im not supposed to be miserable..... im not supposed to be this way... there's supposed to be a reason for everything... its just general physics... but why am i like this? i have no right to be this way... why am i miserable? why am i feeling like shit? how can i be like this when i have no real reason to be....?

mused dettie at 11:13 PM [+]
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trav is gone. i acctually did a hate post last night, but i couldnt post it... maybe because i was incredibly pissed and my words were so... morbid.. and disturbing. i scare myself sometimes. i scare my self with things i think of. maybe i'd end up being a murderer, if i manage not to die of suicide first. maybe... or maybe i'd get to live on my own and be perfectly happy with myself since i hate it here. my frickin' father...[whom i hate] smokes in the house and he knows i have a frickin' cough... damn him. he wants me to suffer. i wish he'd die then we'd get his frickin' insurance pay. trav's gone. it's so awful. its so sad. i want to cry... he's like my little brother. now he's gone. damn that bitch. i hate her. DAMN YOU TO HELL ALMYRA ORDINARIO!!!!!!!!!! bitch. shit you!!!! you'll get what you deserve. i swear!!!!

mused dettie at 2:01 PM [+]
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im tired... too tired... the house seems empty... its so sad. i cant... omg. later...

mused dettie at 12:08 AM [+]
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i am not transfurry.

heehee... something extremely stupid happened. i was sick and my mom made me stay home. sana kung nasa bahay naman ako, dapat wala kong sakit... >.< i want to make a long entry about something, but nothing really happened, much. from now on, i wont stall in the rain if im sick just because i love the rain. and i wont complain about the pesky medicine. shit, its horrible!!! gyah. i was crying, unintentionally... hehehe.. too much coughing. >.< i think i've caught pneumonia, or sumthin. hehheh... damn weak lungs!!! and i thought i was better... but still! if i get sick, everything gets worse than awful... argh~ >.< i cant go on... eyes so watery~ aaaah~~~~

mused dettie at 6:46 PM [+]
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i guess im too sick for school. i didnt even realize i sound so awful. >.< i wish i get to stay home when i'm not so sick. >.<
more later

mused dettie at 12:04 PM [+]
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wow. i didnt even realize i'm well into this new month. yupp. if, like myself you had no clue, it's the second.. or is it really? the second day of the month? funny. i look at the little calendar at the left side of this blog window, and see that the number 2 is sitting there. bold. signifying today's date. no wonder everything was utterly miserable yesterday.

WHY?
...i just got my slight cough worse. now, i sound better, but yesterday was hell. i couldn't barely speak! i didnt feel like eating anything, and i forgot to buy my gymtag pass. it was raining, which i loved... but the bus came too early!!! just when i thought it wont come till 5 more minutes. that damned bus either makes me too early or late, exacttly at the wrong moments. and im just on time.. right when its raining! argh! to get things worse, i had to cram the math project. thankfully i got it to match, to my descriptions, and i got to finish it. it still looks awful, but, that's the best we could do. gym was ok. NOT. we did this zumba thing which was incredibly stupid. psh. no wonder people skipped. i was too nice to bother myself to do so, even though the intensity of that zumba class was too much to bear. it was so dead. that gay guy should die. >.>

today was kind of better... i guess i can work on 'goodbye to you' now. i got the chords, and well, that's that. and i can talk now. i still have a weird voice, but its ok. i'll be strummin' away anyway. i got my gym tag. i can use the weight room anytime i like. who knows? i might even go early in the morn! happy happy! i finished the floor plan for that damned model too. i dont have a ruler so it had to wait till i got to jack one from someone. we were playing football for gym. well, i had those flag things on me, but all i did was walk back and forth. well, our team won. with no thanks to miranda and me. hehhehheh...we're the only girls in that team. blah. we just stood there. we were useless!!! then, we decided we should atleast try. eherm* this guy comes sliding down... (the grass was wet, so it was incredibly slippery) lol... he has the ball, and everyone was gonna tackle him... (even me, sure!) then before we even got to him, he slid down.. hehehe.. and his feet slammed on to miranda's shins, and his left side chest on my shoes. i literally kicked him by accident cauze i was running, and the ball was left about three meters away from him. wow. i guess he had to skid belly down by atleast 4 meters or so. i laughed so hard at that, and miranda kept hitting me cause i couldnt stop laughing, and my laugh, she said, was scary. hehehehe... then there was this guy from the other team, and he was running for a touchdown. everyone was trailing him trying to tackle him, or atleast rip off his flag, but to no avail. ihe comes running 3 feet infront of me, and i just follow him with my eyes. miranda slammed her palms on her forehead, coz they acctually scored. then this blonde guy asked me, " why didnt you go for him???" so i said "why would i?" miranda walks by and asks me what just happened, and i said, " well, he said why didnt you go for him? so i said why would i?" miranda says "oh..." then out of the blue, i said, " well, i wasnt thinking right..." miranda screeched hideously at me. "you sick pervert! can you like keep your mind out of the gutter? god. youre sick!" i laughed unintentionally. i just remembered our conversation at the change room.
miranda: i'm gonna take out my cd off your cd player,
me: ya, you'd forget, then i'd keep it, and never give it back! mwahahahaha!
miranda: hooo~ and my boyfriend would be so pissed at me. [the demo cd is of miranda's boyfriend's cousin's punk band called push over]
me: wow. now she'll get mad at you...?
miranda: she? did you just say she?
me: err... he?
miranda: are you implying i'm gay?
me: well, aren't you?
miranda: am i?
me: maybe you are! you think?
miranda: oh i am aren't i?
we laugh so hard...
me: that was funny...
miranda: heh, the conversations was all questions... heheheh we like answered each other with questions.
me: wow. you tell me.
miranda, how many times today did you say wow?
me: shuttup. hurry up were late.

mused dettie at 5:47 PM [+]
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gyah. taggy's bwokenz... so i puts back me qboarddy. fun!!! and this time i acctually remember my pw. wee!!! i used my talkcity email acct. hmm... it still works!!!!! i wont make long entry today. im sick again... and i sound hoarse. btw, if you're bored, talk to the qboard bot, over at tenshimedia. lol. fun~

mused dettie at 8:05 PM [+]
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errr.... i dont know what got me... but qboarddy's back. ^^

mused dettie at 6:46 PM [+]
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it's so adorable! i acctually got to get kickin' with that math thing... and i guess i'm half done. we'll be working on it too for the next period and, i've done my part. only i'd like it to look better. coz as ive said, it was awful! oik... the other blog'll be ignored for a few days, till i get back on track. god. i wouldn't want to fail... otherwise i wont get out of that house. i'll have lunch with shakespeare. it's merchant of venice month for english, and i better get crackin'.

mused dettie at 11:26 AM [+]
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Are you evil? find out at quizlets.tk! by krysten

mused dettie at 8:05 AM [+]
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