...all i want is you.

-- Tuesday, April 30, 2002 --

ok. i have shop tomorrow. ok. i guess i should look my best? lol. ill take a picture of me. then, ill ask kylie for my disc. ill get so mad if she didnt bring it. really ill be so mad!...omg!!...anyway, i am not feeling so bad that i never got a word from bee yet. yeah...im gine alright. just great and perky. anyway, im trying to get another blog running, then ill move to that. this will be my personal journal thingie...lol...the other one would be a personal one too, but not all too personal..oh well, my back hurts. i have to take a bath...i feel sick to my stomach. gak....in a span of almost 3 weekz...more so 2 and a half, i slept for a total of 19.5 hrs. which is really bad compared to my jussual monthly sleep of 72 hrs, ....my eyes, look deep, and i have lil hollows above my cheeks...my eyebags are huge, and can store coins in it. grand i know....well, ...still, im ok!...im just happy... i just had my baby yesterday, and its my turn to watch it tonight. i got married last wednesday, found out i was pregnant on thurday...was getting more pregnant by friday, was preggnant all weekend, gave birth yesterday...haaaaaaaaaay.....and i failed another science test...which is sucky, coz i am workin my butt off...like really....right now my head is sooo gonna blow!.....waaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!

mused dettie at 10:39 PM [+]
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haaay....yan ko na lng yan jan...puro hinagpis....sama...ewan....ah basta ewan...bsta wala na kong ibang maisip....

mused dettie at 8:53 PM [+]
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hi bee

how'll i start this? ok...lets just keep it casual....para nmn masaya...ok?...^^....hows it goin? hope its all great... i really hope ur not having a hard time...

gerard said u were online 2 days ago.....sigh**...i miss u terribly...naiinis tuloy ako sa sarili ko...o cge...i wish u all the best baby, u tc always...i love u....really do...i love u lots...miss u sooo much.....sigh**...and this morning was our 4th week, happy fourth week^^ i love you.....sigh**...i really miss u...i wish i can call, kaso baka maarte na nmn yung makasagot, at mabagsakan ko ulit. gaya last time na tumawag ako... sorry nga pala, binagsakan ko sha... saka, baka wala ka din sa bahay...

i knew i cant have you long enough.... pero here i am complaining... just cause i dont see enough of you...haaay...sorry, i know, im getting in the way...with all my complaining....last night...i was so...frustrated...and i was saying weird things to make me feel better...para hindi kita mamiss masyado.....sigh**..this is just, so...n/m...i dont like to mope. as u probably noticed, hindi nmn ako nag eemail masyado, kasi nmn hindi ka nmn nakakreply, sabi din ni gerard na nde ka na makakachat...haaay, things wont be the same without you... i hate sending u emails..kasi nmn all i do is complain..and spill all my longing....sorry....really i am...i dont really intend to..im supposed to ...n/m... i just....n/m...ahh!!...and this is why i dont send u mails...coz i...dont really have anything to say. ill just keep saying how much i miss u, and u might just get tired of me....and...ok, ill stop...LOVE YOU....REALLY REALLY REALLY DO. miss u terribly baby...i wish i ....sigh**....n/m...just take care always...wag ka mashado mag wworry bout ur mom at mga kapatid mo....like i said before...one at a time...right now, airforce muna ok? i dont want u to get over stressed... love u...

dette

*^DeViL's-LiL-AnGeL^* -gone-

an email i sent bee...aint it the mushiest thing?...gawd...

mused dettie at 11:34 PM [+]
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so, ok im really losing it. if i call...ahh!!...eh pano nmn kung .....wala sha....now i dunno..i miss him terribly...yoko nang magmail..kahapon puro hinagpis lng nmn nasabi ko...grabe...haaay..well i failed 2 math tests....damn!...its not that im slacking...i just....haaaay..gusto ko talagang tawagan kaso pano kung wala shha...tapos masungitan lng ako...edi...sayang nmn...haaay...haaay nakooo....miss ko na sha...hmmm...k k...ill sleep

mused dettie at 11:29 PM [+]
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ok fine...so well, stil no word...haaay...i saw someone i so missed today, and well, that person didnt even talk to me. i hate it, when i miss lots of people, well, i saw kaozkie, and tintin and deathzkie....so [pays...im not so mad at jjay , im over it, still, im not to talk to him..im just too....not in places...so there...and, well, missing him...aah!..hate tthis. had a convo with kevin, about GF's and BF's...lol..ah i dont need one, i have my bee. ok ...out

mused dettie at 12:50 AM [+]
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waaah...still no word from him...well, its ok i guess...blah nag away kami ni deacz nung isang araw...i am sooo pissed off, ahhh!...well, they canty make me make up my mind. its that and it end in that. well, still miss bee so much...--_--; miss him so much-....ok im gonna go back to the room.. theyre gone

mused dettie at 7:52 PM [+]
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ahhh!...and im listenin to i dont want to miss a thing by regine...oh gawd...one whole week. nlo word from my bee. i so desperately wanna fone him, but... i am not so sure if he'd be home, and i dowanna talk to one of his sisters... i want to scream...and yell...well, i miss everyone. dheb, tintin, hanna, charmy, charry, mikee, gen... i mis everyone...why...this past week has been a major drag...i dont have any of my friends...and... my beybee....i miss him soo!!!...i miss matt...damn, well...i seem to have lost everyone now, except my ate anne. haaaaay.... sudenly im sad again. well, later ....too engrossed on a song

mused dettie at 9:14 PM [+]
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hmmm...ill be off to bed in a few minutes...well, all this while, considering that TC is whacked again,. i was workin on a story as ate anne and i talked. well, still no word from bee. i miss him terribly, and i seem to miss him ....a lot!!!... i guess uve heard i guess you know..in time i mightve told u but i guess im too slow...thats utterly romantic but i know that its real..i hope u dont mind if i say what i feel its like im in somebody else's dream...this could not be happenin to me.... and you were there...u were everything ive never seen u woke me up from this loneg and emp[ty sleep i was alone....u were there/.... dont be alarmed no dont be concerned, i dowanna change things leave em just as they were... i mean nothing's really different, its me who feels strange...im always lost for words when some one mentions your name.. i know that ill get over this for sure... im not the type who dreams there could be more...but u were there...u were everything ive never seen you woke me up from this long and empty sleep...i was alone, i opened my eyes and you were there... can i take ur smile home with me....or the magic in your hair....[please]....the rain has stopped the storm has passed look at all the colors now the sun's here atlast... i suppose that ud be leaving but i want u to know...part of u stays with me even after u go...like an actor playin sumone elses's scene....this could not be happenin to me....but u were there......... i miss u terribly....bee...bee....i feel...so alone....are u there????

mused dettie at 11:46 PM [+]
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i sent him a mail last night, and im desperately waiting for a reply...ive been scared of this...i didnt want to miss anyone so much....so much its hurting me. no! its at times like this that i miss my old naive self. i thought, id be forever naive, but, why this? i have no one to talk to but ate anne, and her pc is whacked. damn! im losing my wits. honestly i am going nuts. oh god, why did this happen? i miss matt. i miss telling him how i feel, and how he just lets me blurt out all my crap against the world, and tho i know perfectly well how disgusted he is at how bitchy im being, he just doesnt let me know, and lets me rant on ... it can be pretty good to confide in a disinterested party. matt is, a confidant who doesnt seem to care. now more than ever i miss him terribly. but, he's found a new life, and im not a part of it. considering that, lol.......uh! he's part of my first year over here. and well, he's been a special someone, and was my bestfriend after all so its safe to miss him i guess. he'll always be a bestfriend to me, and will remember him always. though i dont think if he ever comes back, i dont think we'd ever be the same,for ate chiaki, nikki, deathzkie....they tell me he liked me. well, i know its with an"-ed" so its in the past. still, there'll be that uncomfy feel of not just being bestfriends. i think ....im lost... i dont know where i am and where i'm gonna be....tomorrow? who knows? i hate being like this. missing bee so much... i dont want to cry. how could i have let me love him so much? i dont have any clue to what happend to him... maybe he's just busy? still, i miss him terribly, and i dont have anyone to talk to. i want him back badly....somethin' is not right...i love him so much.... i am not supposed to love anyone this much. i dowanna end up crying again...

mused dettie at 12:56 AM [+]
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stuck in paranoia right now.... lost in confusion of where lies fact and where does fiction... lost in a void i call my thoughts... my brain, which is filled with worry and arcane sense of blame, on myself... i seem helplessly hung-up on. too shallow to realize where i belong... too muddled in a mush of thoughts, new and old memories.... scared to find the answers, for what if the answers are what i feared. what will i do then??

mused dettie at 11:31 PM [+]
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aaaah... i hafta go crash... really.... he really wont log on.... U_U ....miss him sooo... oh and btw, all this day, odd moments, i got reminded of matt. lol... well, for one, i heard the song trip, and i remembered him... lol ...then, the song sayang.... lol.. ok... then pink mentioned the starfish.... and lance remembered him. lol... then i remembered him too... lol... then, i saw a seahorse picture, then i remembered the "seahorse theory"...lol.... ok.. imma go crash now. i have to. or ill die at skul tomorrow.

mused dettie at 3:21 AM [+]
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ah......its the 3rd week.....and he isnt there...i miss him terribly...i sent him a mail...hmmm...im sad...hahha....ah well..mom and dad are at the billiards place....im so tired....all yesterday...so, kanina pala..kasi di pa nmn ganun katagal...well, when i got up, i had to clean up the house. which was so messed. then i did the dishes...the kitchen was so messed...i cleaned it up....then the living room...was a disaster.. toys everywhere...hahaha...i was like a maid...and considering i have no one else...its like i had 4 sons...and a baby girl. it's sooo hard..im so tired, but im still waiting for bee. its our 3rd week as i said, and its ...kinda....n/m

well, i think i should go sleep now...as i said im tired..and i dont think he'd go online tomorrow.....tomorrow?....tommorow is today....wat time is it??...lol...ahhh...really have to drop....

mused dettie at 3:03 AM [+]
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dont u find it weird -when things suddenly seem wrong to you, but nothing really is wrong... its just that, u can say, napapraning... parang napapraning... kasi, parang ang gulogulo na ng isip... tipong mababaliw na, pero wala namang dapat kabaliwan... its weird. i hate everything. from how things were before, to how things are now. this is just so weird how i cant seem to keep the past behind me. all my memories, new and old are all muddled...and im losing myself in them... im under such scene where people are there, and they care, but i cant seem to feel that they care, coz ive been hurt so much as a younger person. either that, or i cant accept someone else caring for myself but my own self, considering ive been fending for my own since long long ago. i feel crowded -with people who tell me who to be and how to be what they want me to be, and expect me to be as they please... they cant seem to take me for being just plain me... i have to meet their demands...theyre crushing me. suffocating my wits..drying out my sanity .trying my patience... i had enough... im tired of being lil miss unaffected by the world... lil miss not hurt insensitive brave brat who doesnt give a damn about anyone else but herself... i hate being the person who isnt supposed to cry... the brave one... i think im falling apart... slowly melting away....

does it matter if i feel awful? about the world? i guess it does. considering that i dont really have a reason to be. everything is perfect. my mom and dad arent divirced. i dont have a problem with men. i dont have a problem with my boyfriend. im not pregnant. im all not failing in school. my teachers like me. school people like me. is it wrong to still feel bad about yourself... about everything after things are a lot diferent? im stuck in the past. im stupid. im stuck in the past, i remember. i dont plan to forget. i think i accepted thati didnt have a very happy chilhood, but it isnt all that bad... i never run hungry, nor neglected all in all. im happy. but why? am i being ungrateful? why am i not satisfied of what i had? i am an awful person. i am greedy... i dont think its been hard on me. i am strong. but wwhy is it, i still cry sometimes...for no reason i know. i... seem to get trapped. im lost ...i lost myself in my own world of confused truths and messed up lies. bits of childhood memory.... a lost self... a lost me... i miss friends i left behind, my bestfriend who vanished, and my beybee who seems ive lost as well. is it a punishment for being an ingrate????? is it????

mused dettie at 6:42 PM [+]
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Me.

left alone in wonder

lost on the void

a never ending silence

despite the ringing noise.

a cry for help...

one silenced scream

drowned in unsonscious thoughts

buried deep in anxiety

defied by reality

me,  me?  me.

questions searching

for long lost answers

hearts hoping

for little silent prayers

stifled cries of deep hurt 

denial of what is and isnt

me?  me.  me! 

mused dettie at 6:27 PM [+]
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ah! i've been wondrin' where on earth'd my `bee be. rephrase. where is my `bee!?!?!?! uhg. my AA page, left it to rot?...deng, jaz too lazy to finish my new layout. BTW, i dunno how to make an over-all new layout. i know it needs a major renovation. coz it suxx so bad, IT IS BAD! and i'd rather keep it at bad than make it worse. hmmm... made a new nick, ahahaha, and i stole it from someone's site. bad huh?...well, i thought it was plain cool. so i used it. AND IT'S A FRIDAY. im happy. im tired, and missing my `bee so much. this week has been unbelievably hard on me, considering that i never got as much HW from school, nor got nagged as much by my ever loving mom....i feel overly stressed. psh!...im wondrin' why... aaahhh!!! and i lost my science HW, which i wrote down for half an hour....ok, not that much work, but sheesh!... im so gonna fail this term. i just failed a math test. as in failed big time!!! badtrip!... AS IN BADTRIP!!! naiinis nmn ako... aah!...`nuff with my banters..

mused dettie at 12:16 AM [+]
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